I had a therapist quite a while ago that had a great saying: You can visit pity-city, but do not unpack and live there. I believe that recently I have been visiting pity-city, and I am trying to cut the vacation short before I take up permanent residence. You see, this is a dangerous place for me to live because suddenly all my mental and spiritual focus shifts onto me and me alone. It is tempting to obsess over everything that seems to be going wrong in my life and feel sorry for myself, leading of course to the world’s best sulky mood. And the ultimate question…why me? If one’s life is not going as planned or as one would wish it to, pity-city is an obvious destination.
However, I plan to fight this mindset. My bags are packed, and I am leaving pity-city ASAP. So, where is my next stop? I am taking the express train to radical acceptance. To reference therapy again, radical acceptance is a practice I learned from a Dialectical Behavioral Therapist (DBT) during the 2020 pandemic. And to be honest, at first, I really hated the idea. Radical acceptance does not mean that I am saying the unhappy situation is okay and that I approve of it. The practice is also not even saying that I enjoy or like the situation that I am in. Rather, radical acceptance is simply a mindset of overcoming the misery of a life situation by accepting its reality in my life and moving on, so that I can endure the situation with less pain and suffering. I may not like it, but it is what it is.
DBT was created by a mastermind therapist named Dr. Marsha M. Linehan for people with borderline personality disorder, but it can be applied broadly to anyone needing basic life skills in therapy. I, personally, have found it very helpful. DBT also has a mindfulness component that I find refreshing. Over the years, I have used mindfulness meditations to a greater or lesser degree, depending on the situation I found myself in. My mom gifts me the Calm App (Not Sponsored!) every year for Christmas, and I find the guided meditations to be very helpful. Meditating, even for a 10-minute session, can help me practice radical acceptance. When I relax my mind and focus on my breath to steady myself, I have less bandwidth to focus on all my problems…which leads to less focus on self-pity. I highly recommend trying a practice that aids you in stepping outside of your own world of pain and instead brings to reality a world where the imperfect can be accepted as not permanent, and therefore less threatening.
I began DBT group therapy at the young age of 20, but it was not until I was in my 30’s that I really began to appreciate its benefits. I rebelled against the radical acceptance piece, often complaining to my therapist that it seemed impossible. What has changed? I guess with age comes wisdom, because now I can see that the more I ruminate on what is going wrong in my life, the stronger the problem will appear in my mind. Acceptance of a negative situation is a challenge, but ultimately, it takes away the power that the pain has over you. Breath. Be still. And trust in a Higher Power.
I call my Higher Power God, but it can be different for other people, what matters is having a source outside of yourself to rely on and gather strength from. I do not believe that I could have survived without my faith in God. Once I accept a situation that is causing me suffering, I hand it to God, and ask Him to take “the wheel,” and guide my path. I know that I am only a little human, who cannot deal with a complicated life all on my own.
And this is why living in pity-city is such a bad idea. When I am there, I feel separated not only from radical acceptance of my problems but also separated from God. I am sealing myself off from support by dwelling in my misery. Not a smart idea. My hope in sharing these honest reflections is that they might help you, too, dear readers. Nobody has an easy life, we all deal with something, or many somethings. I encourage you to let go of any rumination, accept what may be painful, and hand it to a Higher Power who can provide your soul with relief. My prayer in typing these words is that what I have learned the hard way over the years can be learned by someone else and aid that person to a better and happier life.
Go in Peace and Blessings, G.
The Ladybug 
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