The Ladybug

Tag: Mental Health

  • Finding Peace Through God’s Purpose 

    Dear readers, today is a difficult day for me personally. I’m going to share some tough news, but don’t worry, I also am going to offer some positive reflections. I just emailed the documents to the university that I have attended since the Fall 2021 semester, to officially withdraw as a student without completing my degree. I am feeling quite sad about this decision. However, I also know in my core that it is the right move at this time in my life. I have been struggling with my physical health increasingly since I arrived home on the evening of Christmas 2024. I faced the tricky option of whether to take just one class in the Spring 2025 semester, which began in January 2025, and I decided to go for it. This turned out to be a mistake. 

    I began facing worse health challenges in April 2025, and they have lasted right up to today as I lay in bed typing this blog. I took an incomplete in the Spring 2025 class, and I finally finished the course, with a grade of “A,” at the end of January 2026. The deadline for finishing it was February 1st, 2026, and I came dangerously close to receiving a grade of “F” for a late completion. This last course that I took really opened my eyes to how impossible school had become for me. With increasing brain fog and debilitating fatigue, the schoolwork I once loved now felt like torture. I would read the same sentences repeatedly in my textbook, trying to understand the concepts and theories.  

    Due to the experiences with my final class, and the advice of my doctors, I typed an email to the withdrawal specialist at the university and asked her to help me leave. She sent me the appropriate pages, and as I said, I have now completed them and withdrawn from school. It feels impossible not to experience a certain sense of failure after working so hard on my degree and now not finishing it. However, perhaps these sensations are a little more emotionally charged because I have dropped out of school multiple times due to both mental and physical health. It appears that, at least for now, I can say that I am not going to achieve a bachelor’s degree. 

    BUT…wait, why do I feel like a failure?! I want to unpack this a bit. God has given me a very strong message through this whole process that He has plenty of work for me to do for His kingdom in this world, and that I have already achieved a great deal. I believe that part of my problem with seeing the word “failure” as a description for my life is due to the expectations of success that the USA society places on its inhabitants. We are told to have Big careers that make a lot of money, and as women, to find marriage partners, have babies, buy houses, own 2 or more cars, and have large bank accounts. This line-up of events all begins with the attainment of a college bachelor’s degree, and then possibly a graduate or even a doctorate degree.  

    What happens when someone takes a different road? Am I feeling so low right now because I could not achieve what I was supposed to do? I have faced many challenges in my life, struggling with both multiple mental, as well as physical, chronic illnesses. Honestly, just surviving and being alive at 39 years and 7 months old is a huge achievement for me! In addition, I have dedicated my life to doing volunteer work that I feel God calls me towards, especially volunteering for churches. I also spent years volunteering for the local hospital in my hometown, beginning at age 14 and ending when I was in my early 30’s. I value family and friend time, and try to make helping my loved ones a priority.  

    And then there is writing. This has been a passion for my whole life. I began keeping a journal around age 7, and I still have one to this day. In addition, I have always loved writing assignments in any form, whether for school, church, or personal pursuits. When I was younger, I rode horses and hoped to make that love into a career. Unfortunately, that was not to be, but I think the only thing that I love the same is writing. At the end of December 2024, I began The Ladybug Blog, as a new project for 2025. Now in June 2026, you are reading the 46th post of that endeavor. It has been a joy to create the blog and share my life with my readers! I may even have another big announcement coming soon with regards to my writing, so watch this space for news soon!! 

    Furthermore, in a devotional of the Methodist guide The Upper Room, I read a post recently that comforted my heart. I felt that God was speaking directly to me. This quote was written by Steve Wakefield, and goes, “Through my small acts, God will do more than I can imagine.” I feel inspired to not belittle myself. My actions matter, large or small. In addition, I just listened to one of the Calm App’s meditations called The Daily Jay by Jay Shetty. He urged the listeners to think of daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, and yearly questions that they could ask themselves for reflection and personal growth. Through my experiences today with contemplating school and the American style of hustle and achievements, I believe that my daily and weekly question will be, “Dear God, what small acts can I do to please you today and going forward?” After all, the call on my life as a progressive Christian is to please God and follow His Will for my life. This will be my focus. 

    The lesson I am walking away with this afternoon is that I am not meant to live for what this world tells me I should do or be. God is my leader. My current prayer after these many thoughts is, “Jesus, guide my path.” I may be feeling disappointed, and a natural let-down with the loss of school, but I have plenty to look forward to in my life. I have plenty to keep me feeling fulfilled and remembering always that God is Good. If you are questioning your worth, dear readers, I suggest you meditate on some of the points in this post and see if you can relax your mind and spirit towards a better place. Life and purpose are about so much more than accomplishments. God loves you, and so do I!  

    With All My Love, G. 

    PS I am not sponsored by any of the publications or meditations mentioned in this writing! 

  • How to Praise God on Difficult Days 

    Dear readers of The Ladybug, do you ever have days that are intensely stressful and you wonder how to say “Thank You” to God at the end of them? I had one such day today. For personal reasons, to protect others, I cannot outline for you the details of the stressful situations today. Regardless, I will just state that more than one event unfolded that pushed my mind and body to the limits. I am now lying in bed with my laptop and trying to decompress myself. When I started to say “Grace” before my dinner, I realized that I didn’t want to say my usual line at the end of the prayer. This is the usual statement, “Dear God, Thank You for all of the blessings of this life, I praise Your Holy wonderful Name!”  

    Instead, tonight I felt resentful towards God. I wanted to complain to Him, and frankly, be pissed off. So, I took a deep breath and said my usual prayer statement anyway. A nice f*ck you to the devil, ha-ha! Then, I felt inspired to write this post, because I realized that I am probably not alone with sometimes reacting this way to a bad day.  

    So, I have decided to tell you what went “right” today. Because I firmly believe that there is always something to thank God for, even if it is just the fact that you are still on the correct side of the grass. However, today I have more than only my life to be thankful for. To name a couple of items: I had a matcha green tea latte AND an iced coffee with oat milk. These are my two favorite drinks of choice. Living in a sober lifestyle and having them both on the same day is a big treat!  

    Also, I had enough money in my normally small bank account to buy myself a new yoga mat. Recently, yoga has become a major coping skill for me. I had not practiced it consistently for years, and so I began with chair yoga to strengthen my muscles and re-build my skills. Now, I feel ready to tackle more traditional forms of yoga on a floor mat. This was an exciting purchase for me! In addition to being relaxing, I have found yoga to be a form of movement that my physically weak body can manage better than some more intensive workouts for the time being. I am on a slow, but steady, fitness journey after major illness, and this yoga mat is the next step! 

    Third on my list is the fact that in my new apartment, I have my own washer and dryer for the first time ever! Maybe I am majorly “geeking out” with adulting here and showing my age but not having to share with other apartments or go to Mom and Dad’s house is a big deal! Suddenly, I love doing laundry. Having your own machines is an incredible luxury that most people in middle to upper class USA take for granted, but I have been poor ever since I’ve been on my own as an adult. Therefore, this is a big deal for me, and I am grateful to God. 

    Finally, and most importantly, one of the professionals who helps me with my mental health showed up for me in a big way today. I am blessed to work with some amazing people who assist me with my disabilities, and having services is also a big blessing. I know many people who “fall through the cracks” of the mental health system. They need services, and could benefit greatly, but they are not connected to the right agencies. I am truly humbled by the amazing people that I have met on my healing journey with mental illness and today was no exception. It was easy to thank God today for this person. 

    And…there you go! I have just written four paragraphs about the multitude of ways that God was Amazing today! I have thanked God in my heart over again, as I write and realize that I lead a truly wonderful life. If you have a bad day, I encourage you to try the same exercise. Pull out your journal, or a simple paper and pen, and write down anything that you can think of that did go well throughout your day. Your gratitude examples can be small and simple, but I bet you can think of a couple. Remember, God is always Good, He wants to provide a beautiful life for us little humans. When things go wrong, God wants to help us through. Reach out and Thank God, it will turn your mind in the right direction to focus on healing, instead of resentment. 

    Thank you to you, too, dear readers. My writing blesses me just as much as you, if not more so. I hope I have inspired you to have a peaceful night and find a good release for your own frustrations. Sending Hugs and Love, G. 

    PS The picture of Sunflowers is in memory of my beautiful Aunt, who loved them. 

  • Acceptance: A Better World than Self-Pity 

    I had a therapist quite a while ago that had a great saying: You can visit pity-city, but do not unpack and live there.  I believe that recently I have been visiting pity-city, and I am trying to cut the vacation short before I take up permanent residence.  You see, this is a dangerous place for me to live because suddenly all my mental and spiritual focus shifts onto me and me alone.  It is tempting to obsess over everything that seems to be going wrong in my life and feel sorry for myself, leading of course to the world’s best sulky mood.  And the ultimate question…why me?  If one’s life is not going as planned or as one would wish it to, pity-city is an obvious destination. 

    However, I plan to fight this mindset.  My bags are packed, and I am leaving pity-city ASAP.  So, where is my next stop?  I am taking the express train to radical acceptance.  To reference therapy again, radical acceptance is a practice I learned from a Dialectical Behavioral Therapist (DBT) during the 2020 pandemic.  And to be honest, at first, I really hated the idea.  Radical acceptance does not mean that I am saying the unhappy situation is okay and that I approve of it.  The practice is also not even saying that I enjoy or like the situation that I am in.  Rather, radical acceptance is simply a mindset of overcoming the misery of a life situation by accepting its reality in my life and moving on, so that I can endure the situation with less pain and suffering.  I may not like it, but it is what it is.   

    DBT was created by a mastermind therapist named Dr. Marsha M. Linehan for people with borderline personality disorder, but it can be applied broadly to anyone needing basic life skills in therapy.  I, personally, have found it very helpful.  DBT also has a mindfulness component that I find refreshing.  Over the years, I have used mindfulness meditations to a greater or lesser degree, depending on the situation I found myself in. My mom gifts me the Calm App (Not Sponsored!) every year for Christmas, and I find the guided meditations to be very helpful.  Meditating, even for a 10-minute session, can help me practice radical acceptance.  When I relax my mind and focus on my breath to steady myself, I have less bandwidth to focus on all my problems…which leads to less focus on self-pity.  I highly recommend trying a practice that aids you in stepping outside of your own world of pain and instead brings to reality a world where the imperfect can be accepted as not permanent, and therefore less threatening. 

    I began DBT group therapy at the young age of 20, but it was not until I was in my 30’s that I really began to appreciate its benefits.  I rebelled against the radical acceptance piece, often complaining to my therapist that it seemed impossible.  What has changed?  I guess with age comes wisdom, because now I can see that the more I ruminate on what is going wrong in my life, the stronger the problem will appear in my mind.  Acceptance of a negative situation is a challenge, but ultimately, it takes away the power that the pain has over you.  Breath.  Be still.  And trust in a Higher Power.   

    I call my Higher Power God, but it can be different for other people, what matters is having a source outside of yourself to rely on and gather strength from.  I do not believe that I could have survived without my faith in God.  Once I accept a situation that is causing me suffering, I hand it to God, and ask Him to take “the wheel,” and guide my path.  I know that I am only a little human, who cannot deal with a complicated life all on my own.   

    And this is why living in pity-city is such a bad idea.  When I am there, I feel separated not only from radical acceptance of my problems but also separated from God.  I am sealing myself off from support by dwelling in my misery.  Not a smart idea.  My hope in sharing these honest reflections is that they might help you, too, dear readers.  Nobody has an easy life, we all deal with something, or many somethings.  I encourage you to let go of any rumination, accept what may be painful, and hand it to a Higher Power who can provide your soul with relief.  My prayer in typing these words is that what I have learned the hard way over the years can be learned by someone else and aid that person to a better and happier life. 

    Go in Peace and Blessings, G. 

  • “You Look Great!” Are Appearance-Based Compliments a Problem? 

    Dear readers, can you tell from this photo how I am feeling/doing?  Would you say I look great?  I took this selfie at the park today…but what about my day can you really understand from the look of the photo?  Let’s explore the topic of compliments based on appearance… 

    I do not wish to seem vain when I say that I have received many positive comments about my physical appearance throughout my lifetime.  However, today I want to draw the curtain back and talk honestly about what is often going on under the surface. As I have shared in the past, I struggle with multiple chronic illnesses, both mental and physical.  In addition, recently I have had some acute illnesses distressing me as well.  So, I consider myself a bit of an expert on the problems associated with getting compliments on “looking great,” while feeling like hell on the inside.  Let me give you some examples of what I mean: 

    First, I have struggled since age 18 with a severe eating disorder.  This disorder, which I call ED, has continued for my entire adult life.  It has taken many forms and has been visible with many different disordered eating behaviors.  Therefore, I have never been able to maintain a stable weight.  I am 5’4” tall and have weighed in a range of over a hundred pounds of differences.  I have been a size 0 and a size 20 in pants.  When I was anywhere from a size 0 to a size 12-14, I still received positive compliments, although I found that the lower the pants size, the more compliments I would acquire.  From size 14-20 in pants, I very rarely received any compliments, and was told constantly that I looked “unhealthy” and had “lost control.”  What I never told the people who felt free to comment either positively or negatively on my pants size, was that I was either starving myself to be thin, or binging to deal with stress, or purging to try to “fix” my weight gain.  In addition, I went through cycles in time when I was over-exercising to control my weight and get positive feedback.  I was punishing my body at the gym, just hoping to accomplish another physical appearance goal.  Finally, I had to stop visiting gyms, as they became unhealthy environments for me.  I understand that this experience of gyms is not true for everyone, just my story’s truth. 

    Second, my chronic mental health issues such as bipolar disorder and PTSD affected my inner world and still do to this day.  I used to wear heavy make-up and heavy perfume and obsess about my fashion choices, all because I did not want anyone to see how depressed I was or how much I was struggling to merely hold it all together emotionally.  I would spend hours on my hair, dying it, growing it long, straightening it with a hot iron, all so that I could look like anyone but my natural self.  The truth was that in my 20’s I went through a mental storm where I hated myself and I could not get stable.  Thankfully, that is no longer the reality of my life.  In my late 30’s now, I live on a much more even street, but I still struggle.  The mental health issues I have are chronic, and so will never go away.  But I do not try to disguise myself anymore with beauty armor.  I wear my hair in its natural curls and color, even letting the grey strands creep in, and I wear minimal makeup and feel comfortable in sweatpants and a tank top.  I do not hide.  I also get a lot less attention from men who want a model for a girlfriend.  In the past, partners I have had have asked me to change my appearance for their preferences. My attitude now is…f*ck em! The right type of partner will find me eventually, and whoever they are, I will require them to not ask me to change my appearance, and simply like me for me. 

    Third, both chronic and acute physical illnesses have plagued me throughout my life.  This may be my biggest annoyance.  I receive a compliment when inwardly I’m dying from my invisible illnesses.  I have what is known in Zebra circles (IYKYK) as the trifecta (hEDS, POTS, and MCAS).  These are: Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardic Syndrome, and Mast Cell Activation Syndrome, Google them for more info!  These are miserable illnesses to live with, and there are few treatments for them.  It is all about “lifestyle management.”  I may look great but feel terrible and barely standing, not an exaggeration as I sometimes now walk with a cane or walker.  I want to make something clear, compliments on my personality or spiritual gifts etc…are welcome. But when my body is aching and I feel physically terrible, and someone assumes that I must be feeling better because I “look great,” that is what upsets me.  Please simply ask if my health is better. Do not make a blanket statement that feels as though it dismisses my physical suffering by making a compliment on my appearance.   

    Finally, you may be thinking that I am a snob for not wanting to accept compliments about my physique.  But that is not the problem.  I respect and honor that people are only trying to be nice and find something positive to say.  I just want, in return, a little more validation for what I struggle with due to my eating disorder, mental illness, and chronic and acute physical illnesses.  It somehow feels dismissive to be told that if I can be beautiful, I have won the battle.  And I am currently battling hard with all 4 of the problems I just named.  If you would like to say something nice, please ask me how I am doing and I am willing to give you an honest answer.  I want friends who will listen to me when I struggle.  I want a romantic partner who sees me and accepts me for me.  I am fortunate to have met some of these types of friends, although I cannot say the same for my romantic history.  But stories of dating and soulmates would have to be its own blog post, and it is one that, currently, I am not willing to make public.   

    I leave you with some thoughts.  Try to come up with compliments for your friends and family that are not appearance-based.  Compliment their incredible kindness, smarts, bravery, or laughter that makes you laugh…be creative and let your loved ones know that you love them for who they truly are.  I, myself, have made appearance comments before as well, and I am pledging right now to reform my ways, won’t you join me?   

    With all respect and love for my readers, G.

    PS!

    If you struggle with an eating disorder, check out MEDA Inc. | Multi-Service Eating Disorders Association

    If you struggle with mental illness, you can always dial 988 for crisis assistance or go to 988 Lifeline – If you need emotional support, reach out to the national mental health hotline: 988.

    Finally, if you struggle with hEDS, check out Support – The Ehlers Danlos Society

    Remember, you are Never alone!!!

  • Moving: My story of Adventure

    Is it Stressful or Not?

    Dear readers of The Ladybug, today I want to talk honestly about moving.  My friend bing.com says upon my search of how stressful moving is that the “Holmes-Rahe Social Readjustment Rating Scale assigns it a stress score of 42.69, ranking it 19th out of 43 life events.” I have included the link here: Bing.com Link Check it out for more detailed info!  However, I do not need statistics to inform me of the joys and woes of moving because I have now done it so many times myself!  But is it that stressful?  Read on for my opinions…  

    Let me take you on a little journey through my life story:  

    I was born in Brattleboro, VT and for the first 2 years of my life I lived with my Mom and Dad (I am an only child) in Grafton, Vermont.  Then we moved for 1 year to Bellows Falls, VT. All I can remember is that it was a very cold winter.  My earliest memories are of huddling up to the heating vents in the apartment.  Then we moved to Silver Springs, MD. I really hated Maryland.  I went from too cold to too hot!  Air conditioning was a must!  I think the problem is that I am a New England gal and always will be!  

    Finally, after 3 miserable years in the Maryland heat, my parents and I moved back to New England.  We settled in a moderate sized town in Massachusetts when I was 6 years old.  This became the place I think of as my hometown, located in central MA, right outside of the city of Worcester.  I lived with my parents in our family home, which was a big old Victorian Parsonage provided by the church where my Dad was a pastor.  I stayed there until I was 24 years old.   

    Then came adulting!  On August 1, 2011, I moved into my first apartment by myself.  However, it was not that much of an independence move because I was still in the same neighborhood that I grew up in. After staying there for only 1 year, I moved to another apartment by myself, still located in the same town.  I lived there for 2 and ½ years.  You may wonder if this was a case of “failure to launch,” but I struggled a lot in my 20’s with my mental health, and I needed my parents’ support.  In addition, I had the support of a case-management agency that I am still a client of to this day.  Chronic mental illness can improve, and mine has over time, but it has taken awhile. 

    I did eventually branch out.  When I moved into my 3rd apartment by myself, it was in a new town and neighborhood.  My Dad also retired that year.  While I was getting all independent, at age 28 now, my parents left me in Massachusetts and moved to their dream home in another New England state.  I was very nervous.  As I mentioned, I had relied heavily on my parents for support when I was battling my bipolar disorder symptoms throughout my 20’s. This was going to be a true test of whether I could begin adulting in earnest. 

    I am happy to report that I did pretty well.  I made friends and found a wonderful church that became like a family.  I also had a sweet cat named Ella, who was my emotional support animal.  I stayed in that town and apartment for 5 and ½ years, my longest foray into adulthood yet.  I was very content living there.  So, why did I eventually leave?  Unfortunately, the apartment developed a maintenance issue that the landlords were unwilling to repair, and it began to affect my health negatively.  I began an arduous search for a new apartment. 

    On March 1, 2020, I moved into a new apartment back in my hometown, although in a different neighborhood that I was unfamiliar with.  I thought I would get to explore and settle-in, BUT then the world shut down.  Covid-19 hit and I was hibernating in my new place, with only my cat Ella for company.  Covid-19 hit me hard personally as well.  From 2020 to 2023, I had covid-19 three times, and severely each time.  Once I ended up in the hospital, and twice I was diagnosed with long covid.  I did not do much for three years except lay in my bed, eat, watch TV, and try to care for Ella.  I gained 60 pounds.  It was certainly a low point in my life. 

    In early 2023, around February, I decided to take a year off from the University I had been attending online.  I focused on my health.  I did physical therapy for an extended time and began a long weight loss journey.  My church was thankfully still close to this 4th apartment, and so when it re-opened after the shutdown, I started to attend again.  Life opened up.  I found my joy returning.  I thought that I would be stable for a while.  Well, I was wrong! 

    In February 2024, I had no cats anymore after Ella passed, and another kitten had to be re-homed.  I became distinctly aware that my parents were aging fast.  I asked the director of the case management service (that I have my housing subsidy through) if I could move closer to Mom and Dad’s state line, while remaining in Massachusetts.  I knew that my mental and physical health still required me to stay in the best state for care.  In May 2024, I got my answer: Yes!  They had an apartment for me in Northern MA.  Time for apartment number 5!  Are you dizzying yet? 

    This was a hard move.  I said goodbye to a lot of dear friends that I still miss today.  I left my church that was my family.  I left my hometown and moved away the farthest that I had up to that point.  But it turned out to be just in time.  I was only in my new town and apartment for a couple months when my Mom severely injured herself, and my services were desperately needed.  I have a certificate degree from a community college in Nurse Assisting, and it came in handy!  Suddenly, for months on end, I was the new caretaker in the family.  I went back and forth from my apartment to my parents’ house, helping with every kind of care possible.  I was so glad that I could show up for Mom and Dad that way, after all that they had done for me! 

    Eventually, in the spring of 2025, my Mom was back on her feet, and I was less needed.  But then I got sick.  In April 2025, I found a tick bite on myself.  Soon after I became terribly and seriously ill.  I stayed with my parents as the cards flipped once more and they cared for me.  That is what family is for.   

    As I write today, it is May 2, 2026, and I am still sick with those tick-borne illnesses.  A full year later and I have not healed.  Still on antibiotics and herbal tinctures and supplement pills.  I take so many medications!  What you may not have foreseen, given what I have said, is that I moved into a new apartment March 31, 2026, that is further from my parents, and where I know nobody!  Hello number, 6!  Let us hope you stick!  I love this new apartment; it is the nicest place I have ever lived, and the neighborhood is great!  It was maintenance problems, again, with apartment number 5 that drove me to have to move to this new place. However, I believe it will work out well.  I am in a much better situation now, and there is room to flourish!  I am quite excited about number 6. 

    So, from August 2011 to March 2026, I have had 6 apartments by myself.  I have to say that I love an independent, child-free life!  I will turn 40 years old in October 2026, and I am happy to say that I have few regrets in my living situations.  Each place has offered its own adventures and memories.  There are some people I miss, but that is the price I pay for being someone who cannot seem to settle down.  I have never been married, although I have had 2 marriage proposals, and 1 engagement, which I ended.  I have dated and hooked up, but none of my partners to this point have been the right one.  And, since age 15, I have known that I did not want to be a mother to anyone other than fur babies.  I do not do well with human children; however, I have all the respect in the world for mothers.  I view being a mother as the hardest job possible, and I love my friends and their children!  It is just not the path for me; it’s a personal choice.  I live my life more like a nomad or a gypsy.   

    To conclude, is moving the most stressful event in my life?  Would I rate it super high on a chart?  Probably not.  The actual physical act of moving is stressful, but I love new places and new people.  I am not afraid of change.  If I can continue to be social with new people, and not become too isolated, I can adjust.  I am also very aware that it is a luxury to be able to move and to have as many opportunities as I have had for stable housing.  Homelessness is a reality that can hit anyone, anytime.  I have been truly blessed.  I view my life as being meant to be lived as an adventure, and I value my freedom!  Thank you God for my incredible life!  

    Peace Out, G. 

    PS If you would like to donate to a great homeless shelter and day program for those less fortunate, here is a wonderful place that could use your support: 

    hundrednightsinc.org

  • The Rebellion of Rest 

    I struggle with finding balance.  Balance seems to me to be a dirty word that I do not want to think about.  In my life, it is typically all Go Go Go, or Stop and Collapse!  There is no in-between.  Part of this mindset is influenced by my bipolar disorder, where my energies are either manic or depressed.  But even when my mood is peaceful, I still struggle to balance my schedule.  Why is this a problem? Mainly because I hustle due to the messages around me in society.  However, I have chronic physical illnesses as well which prevent success.  I want to be always busy and productive, but my body will not sustain that amount of activity. 

    This morning, during my devotional time with God, I was led to read about the topic of rest.  At first, I felt frustrated by the subject.  Yes, God, I get it…I do not rest enough.  But then I thought about it more.  There are many different types of resting activities.  It does not have to feel boring and pointless.  One can rest by writing thoughts in a journal.  One can rest by taking a nature walk and listening to the sounds of birds and rustling leaves.  One can rest by reading a book and curling up with a warm cup of coffee or tea.  And talking to God by sitting quietly and repeating a gentle mantra in one’s head can be incredibly healing and restful.  There is plenty of room for creativity in thinking of restful activities.   

    I used to believe that I HAD to be productive every minute to earn the right to exist.  If I had no purpose, then I did not deserve to take up space in this world.  But now I think this mindset is harmful.  In western cultures we value busyness over quiet pursuits.  For example, if there is a wait at the doctor’s office, you are expected to pull out your smartphone and start scrolling, instead of closing your eyes and spending a few minutes meditating in the stillness.  I feel particularly judged because I do not have a paying job.  I often get asked the question “Well…what do you do with your time??”  It is assumed I am a menace to society, too lazy to deserve attention.   

    One of the major struggles I had recently was a long illness where I could not do much beyond lying on the couch.  I then recovered for a while, only to relapse again.  My responsibilities were hard to fulfill due to my fatigue, and I began to feel worthless.  Who am I if I cannot do things and accomplish lists of chores and volunteer commitments?  And what about college?  Do I register for more classes or just give up?  My mind began to spin.  This battle was too big to handle on my own.  I had to take it to God.  And the overwhelming answer was REST!  You do not need to feel guilty.  The word “No” is perfectly acceptable.  Accommodation can be made and it is not a problem.  But I still felt guilty.  I was not performing in a society that demands us to all be acting all the time. 

    So, this is my statement of rebellion.  I will no longer listen to the voices in the news and media.  I will instead listen to the guidance of my body and my spirit and my faith.  I am worthy no matter how little or much I do on any given day.  And if the only thing I do is move from the bed to the couch and back again, then that is okay!!  Biblically, I am completely backed up…even God rested during the creation of the earth.  Sunday is our day of rest for a reason.  I challenge you to think about your life and see if you need to grant yourself some time to rest.  Are you pushing too hard because you feel like you have too?  Let Go.  Take some time to be still, however that feels best for you.  Trust me, it will refresh your soul.  When you do go back to being busy, you will have an added spring in your step because you took a pause.  Your life will not fall apart because you stopped rushing for a moment.  Let it go.  Let it be. 

            I know that what I am writing is not popular opinion among busy Americans.  But resting is crucial to both mental and physical success.  The hustle can wait.  Life is truly about that dirty word balance.  Find the way that works best for you and stick with it, even if it feels awkward at first to slow down.  Throughout the Gospels in the Bible, we are told of Jesus going alone to the mountains to pray at differing points of His ministry.  He needed to re-boot with quiet time, and so do you!  So, take the step, and step back, not forward.  Breathe and be quiet.  I promise you will feel better.  This practice has helped me, and I assure you that it will help you.   

    In Rest and Peace, G. 

  • Real Life War and Peace, and How to Cope 

    I am writing today from a warm and safe cabin located in rural New England.  My life is safe as I sit here and type these words.  However, I cannot ignore the news of what is going on in the world.  I must admit that I have never felt so ashamed or embarrassed to be an American.  In addition, I have also never had less confidence in any president or leader of this formerly great nation.  Trump has attacked Iran and started a dangerous and risky war.  I do not support this action, and I am terrified about what the consequences will be now and in the long term.  From having friends and family who live in the Middle East, as well as friends in the USA military, I feel the effects of this war as it impacts me personally.  I also fear the ways in which Iran may retaliate in the days and weeks to come.  The world was already a destabilized place, with the war in Ukraine fueled by Putin, and the humanitarian crisis in Gaza, along with our president attacking our allies and endangering our own neighborhoods with ICE officers.  Now, he has started a war which never needed to be.   

    I feel so helpless.  I am a single human on this earth with little money or resources.  My personal situation has been one of my recent poor health and a crisis that has extended for months now that I cannot discuss further in the blog.  So, what difference can I make as I read the news headlines and listen to the radio?  I see so much suffering, and I wish I could help alleviate the pain.  But what to do?   Well, my brainstorming session on that topic is what I plan to convey in this post. 

    First, Pray.  Go to God.  The ultimate control of my life or anyone else’s is not their own but belongs to our loving creator.  While He allows us free will, He longs for us to turn to Him and build a relationship of trust and honest communication.  If you are mad, yell at God.  If you feel blessed, praise God.  If you feel helpless, as I do, tell Him, and ask for guidance as to how to act and proceed.  My faith in God ensures that I go nowhere in life alone.  I have a higher power who loves me and takes my hand through all the weather.  What is currently happening is a storm, and I already feel my strength being tested.  I’m scared, but I want to be brave.  God can improve our hearts and minds and bodies to have strength and bravery if we ask Him.  I am praying, will you join me? 

    Second, act peacefully.  This may seem like a huge contradiction during a time of war but hear me out.  For example, being peaceful can simply be a gesture of listening to your neighbor when you talk about a difficult topic like politics or war.  Instead of reacting with hostility to differences, try to gain mutual respect and hold space for the other side, even if you still strongly disagree.  I feel that as a progressive Christian, I am called to be open with my opinions on topics such as racial equality and justice, while still understanding that there are some minds that I cannot change.  In addition, I try to love the people in my life who believe in the opposite political sides of the aisle, and when I struggle to do so, I pray to Jesus for help.  And yes, what about Jesus?  When He was crucified, did He fight and tell His disciples to draw their swords?  No, Jesus sets an example of sacrificial peace, knowing that even if the outcome of our right doing is death, that is not the end of the road.  Jesus rose from the grave, and we too look forward to life after death.  In all circumstances, therefore, try to remain peaceful in your actions, following the teachings of Christ. 

    And third, take gentle care of yourself.  Our country and the world are on fire.  War has come in more than one place, and there is great suffering.  To help myself get through the inevitable stress, I am trying to participate in activities that relieve my soul.  Today, for example, I took a nice long walk in the winter sunshine, an elusive sight.  It felt healing to see the beautiful blue sky above me, and to feel the almost-spring warmth on my face.  The snow was melting, and there was mud on the earth.  Even with the terrible goings-on in the world, the seasons were still preparing to change.  In addition, when I was getting myself lunch, I made a homemade matcha green tea latte, a luxury.  I do not know how much longer I will be able to find and buy matcha, my favorite drink along with coffee, and so I savored it, every sip.  I encourage you to find simple joys such as these two examples and comfort your heart with them.  

    I leave you with a single thought; God is Good.  His love endures forever.  He will not let our world suffer forever.  It will be alright in the end, and if it is not alright, then it is not the end!  So, take heart, stay close to God and your loved ones, and take care of yourself.  Difficult days are here, but we are not alone.  Never give up! 

    In Love and Respect, G.  

  • Strength Inside the Struggle

    Today is a holiday, Valentine’s Day, and many are enjoying dates with their partners and the thrill of a special evening approaching. However, I will be honest that that is not my reality today. Why? Because, I am sick today. My chronic illnesses are in a flare. So, I thought I’d give you a look at what that is like for me, instead of pretending that my life is roses. This entry is not meant as a pity party, merely to give the average healthy person a glimpse into my world.

         I have been diagnosed with what is casually known as “the trifecta.” This includes hEDS (hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome), POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome), and MCAS (Mast Cell Activation Syndrome). I encourage you to Google them, because these are complex chronic illnesses that have no cure, and make the lives of those who suffer from them pretty damn miserable! Basically, I struggle with a multitude of symptoms, including chronic fatigue and chronic pain. I take 20 medications a day in an attempt to manage the symptoms, but nothing is super effective. These medications also include the ones I take for my mental illness diagnoses. However, I have written previously about my chronic mental illness diagnoses, and they are not the topic of this post.

         I began having health problems as a child, and I have always been “sickly.” It has been a long journey of tears, unsuccessful treatments, surgeries, trips to the ER, and doctors telling me that I was crazy before I finally got the correct physical diagnoses. They came from a combination of an Integrative Medicine doctor in Northampton, MA and a few specialists in Boston, MA.  The trip to reach answers was long and difficult.

         Once I was properly diagnosed, I had a lot to process. On the one hand, I was relieved, and on the other hand, I was completely overwhelmed with facing what I now knew would be a lifetime of being sick. In early 2025, I began seeing a health psychologist for a special kind of therapy to help me learn how to live better and cope with the new knowledge. He has been extremely helpful. However, it has also been a challenging process to relearn how to balance my daily activities so as to better preserve my health.

         You see, I have always been an active person. I have always enjoyed setting goals for physical activities and participating in charity walks. As a younger person, I rode horses competitively and did jumping at horse shows, as well as dressage. I once dreamed of being a horse trainer. In addition, I had a passion for running as a young woman and enjoyed lifting weights at the local gym. My attitude was always to push through and keep going.

         BUT, as I have progressed through life, so have my illnesses progressed. All of those activities I loved to do my body can no longer support. Not surprisingly, this has left me with a ton of mental grief to process, and a lot of anger. So, now we come to the reason for the photograph I chose for today’s entry, which is me walking with my cane. Thankfully, I do not need the cane every day yet, but I do need it more and more. In addition, I occasionally have even needed a walker when in a really bad flare of illness. I have just turned 39 years old, and this seems incredibly unfair to me!

         How do I cope? Not great. Honestly, I have to spend a lot of time lying on the couch or bed and simply resting. Netflix and my DVD player have become necessities. I will say it: I hate resting. I crave a busy and productive life, and I wish my body would let me do more. I’m no expert still on living with chronic illness and dealing with the physical and mental pain. I just keep going. I keep putting one foot in front of the other and being grateful for the good days when I get to accomplish something meaningful.

                For example, I transferred to Westfield State University in the Fall 2021 semester, after not doing college course work for 14 years. It has been difficult, but I have now completed 11 courses at WSU with an overall GPA of 3.8. In addition, I enjoy volunteering at my local church. This year there was a high of being a worship leader for the Christmas Eve service. Mission work for the less fortunate in our society is also a passion of mine, and I feel fulfilled when I can help local charities. And, family and friend time is precious to me. I love to be social, even if it means resting afterwards. All of these blessings make my life purposeful. 

        I encourage you to be grateful, just as I try to be grateful, for the wonderful moments in life! We all struggle with something, and the best comeback is to see how God has blessed us. I try to be positive, even when it’s rough, and know that I’m never alone. My family, friends, and Faith guide me through. May my story inspire you to see your own strengths inside the struggle, and NEVER give up!!

         With Resilience, G.

  • Welcome to The Ladybug 2026: My 3 Goals for the New Year! 

    Welcome to The Ladybug 2026!  If you are already a reader of my blog, thank you, and if you are new, here is a little bit of what to expect for the new year!  The themes for The Ladybug in 2025 were: Religion, Politics, and Lifestyle.  I wrote 33 posts during 2025, including an introduction.  In addition, I wrote, “Gaelle’s World,” so that my readers could learn a little about me and my motivations for the blog content.  So, let’s talk about what to expect this year as I write out my 3 personal goals.  These are not “resolutions,” they are goals.  The difference in my eyes is that the word resolution implies that something in life needs to be fixed, and for me, goals implies that I am simply adding some new exciting guides to my lifestyle.  The Ladybug, therefore, will still include themes of religion and politics, but I will not limit myself to those topics.  I would like to expand my lifestyle posts to discuss any content that I feel passionate about as the world continues to spin and change around us.   

    So, ready?  Here goes: 

    Goal 1) Increase time with God and connection to the Spirit of light and love.  I find that I can only survive life’s harsh realities and difficulties with the help of a Higher Power.  I cannot weather the journey alone.  Last year, I described myself as a “Progressive Christian,” but now I am not sure which label for my faith in God is best.  With the rise of the Christian Nationalist movement in the USA, I am uncomfortable to use the term Christian for fear that people will think that I have a right-wing political affiliation.  This could not be further from the truth, as I am a left-leaning liberal, and more and more I agree with the socialist Democrats such as AOC and Bernie Sanders.  The core of my faith is the belief that I must be the hands and feet of Jesus to those in need in a hurting world, and that includes the poor and those who are immigrants.  I believe that strength comes from God, not from myself, and so daily devotions that include guided meditations, Bible reading, and journal time are crucial.  If I want to spread love, I must first infuse myself with the love of Jesus.  Devotional time is like an oxygen mask to me, and after I put it on, I can then help others. 

    Goal 2) Learn how to rest in a healthy way.  As I have written previously on The Ladybug, I struggle with a multitude of chronic illnesses, the most difficult of which are hEDS (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Hypermobile subtype) and Bipolar Disorder, Type 2.  I like to go, go, go, but then my body collapses, and I am quite literally bedridden.  In addition, when I have too much stress, my anxiety soars, and then I must have medication adjustments for my psychiatric meds.  Trust me, neither of these circumstances is fun.  However, I see two different therapists, one for my physical-health problems, and one for my mental-health problems, and they both told me at the end of the year 2025 that I must focus on learning the art of rest. This news was not welcome to my ears, because I am someone who is extroverted and loves to be busy.  Whether it is helping my local church, doing college coursework, or participating in charity walks such as 5k’s, this girl likes to aim for the stars.  However, the universe is quite literally telling me to slow down.  So, I am going to attempt in the new year to build in “rest days,” and learn to take better care of myself. 

    Goal 3) Live a simpler lifestyle, including decreasing my material possessions.  At the current moment, I feel like I am drowning in “stuff.”  This must end.  I need to practice what I preach with regard to my faith.  I have never wanted to be rich, and I feel choked by how many material goods I own.  Jesus called His disciples in the Bible to a simple life following Him, and I would like to live the same way.  I need to clean, de-clutter, and donate what is clogging my world.  Quality family and friend time are much more important to me than having many goods to hold onto.  I plan to discuss further my successes and struggles with simplifying my life in posts on The Ladybug, so stay tuned!   

    Well, readers, there are some of my thoughts as I enter the new year, as well as some of the themes that you can expect me to write about in 2026 in the blog.  I encourage reader participation, so please leave comments and feedback either here on WordPress, or on my social media pages (Facebook: Gaelle McLoud or Instagram: @gaellemcloud and Substack: @gaellemcloud). If you tune into my Instagram account, which is public, you can see a little more of how I live my life day-to-day.  I hope that you will join me in the adventure of 2026!  

    PS: This is the year I turn 40 years old! My birthday is in October 2026, so join me as I celebrate the adventure all year long! 🙂 

  • Perfectionism Part 3: Body Image Ideals in America are Harmful 

    Dear readers, I am aware that discussing any aspect of body image can be potentially triggering, especially to those individuals diagnosed with eating disorders.  I, myself, was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa at age 20, after starting to display symptoms in my late teen years.  Due to my own experiences, I will endeavor to make this article sensitive to those who struggle.  However, I want everyone to honor their own boundaries with the topic.  With that spirit in mind, let us start to talk… 

    One of the most freeing phrases that I ever heard during my eating disorder recovery journey was: your body is not a project.  I have always felt a great deal of pressure my whole life to micro-manage my appearance, especially my weight.  I used to wear heavy make-up, dye my hair, follow all the latest fashions of dress, and starve my body.  In the USA, women who identify as cis-gender females are placed under a huge amount of pressure to groom ourselves into oblivion, even to go so far as to consume diet pills and under-go plastic surgery.  There is an expected, and, frankly, un-achievable, ideal “look” that we must work towards.  Lots of money is poured into this industry of beauty and the pursuit of feminine perfection. 

    Well, now I am saying to it all: F*#ck You!!  My body is not a project.  I look the way I look, and as long as I am healthy, then I am satisfied with my appearance.  In my current world, after being severely ill for 6 and a half months, being healthy and strong in my body image is way more important to me than being glamorous.   

    In addition, I have had a shift over the last few months as to how I identify in my beauty image.  I would now say that I am more of an androgenous female than a typical cis-gendered female.  Some days I am glammed up and girly, while other days I feel comfortable in flannel, jeans, and winter boots.  The identity of androgyny allows for this flexibility, being somewhere in the middle, neither feminine nor masculine.  My studies at university allowed me to gain more exposure to the differing worlds of gender identity, and, after writing a paper on androgyny, I felt so much more connected to my true self. 

    I’m beginning to wonder why I have been spending the last 20 or so years trying to be thin and cute.  Why have I cared what society thought of me?  The dream of being the perfect model from the pages of a women’s magazine or following the latest wellness trend has not been making me healthier or more beautiful, it has been killing me.  As one of my friends said to me recently regarding the weight-loss drug craze, “It seems to be a sickness in our society that is unique to America.”  I am grateful for her honest assessment, and I could not agree more.  American wellness culture, and the corresponding products and medications that feed the system with millions of dollars, just harm the very humans they claim to be aiding. 

    So, I am choosing to be free from the trap of twisting myself up-side down to meet the societal beauty standards.  I encourage you to free yourself as well!  Wherever you are on the body-image road, whether you are struggling with disordered eating, or you are struggling with the pursuit of the wellness community, coined often as orthorexia, I invite you to take a moment to pause.  Think about what your goals are with your appearance and resulting health.  Are you simply chasing an impossible beauty standard?  Or are you investing heavily in a financial way to bring about a drastic figure change?  The only investment that I now believe is honestly worth it, and will bring about the most joy, is the time and energy to be healthy, happy, and authentically YOU!!  There is no reason to conform to any other standard or request from an industry that will not pay you back.   

    These revelations have taken me years to reach!  From wandering hospital hallways with a feeding tube up my nose to over-exercising, to starving and to binging, I have finally arrived at a moment of peace.  Just be where your body desires and forget what America might think.  You will be surprised how much mental room will be created in your head when you let go, and how much room in your wallet you will discover.  Bodies are meant to be all different shapes and sizes.  Food is meant to be joyful and shared, bringing friends and family together.  Exercise is meant to destress and strengthen, without pushing too far.  Try out a few of my radical ideas and see how much tension in your life will lift.  I hope my years of pain can be turned into something helpful for others.   

    To conclude, I would like to provide you with an example from my own life.  While I have been ill recently, I was told repeatedly by my doctors to be on bedrest.  But I kept pushing to be active and exercise, because I was afraid of gaining too much weight while “lying around being sick.”  Finally, I basically collapsed into my own bed and rested for 2 weeks.  I purposefully lay around, watched Netflix, and ate high-calorie and high-protein foods to strengthen my body which was hard at work fighting a serious infection.  Finally, after 2 weeks in bed, I emerged for a 1-mile walk.  Then, I rested.  Next, a 2-mile walk.  Then, I rested.  Testing the waters slowly to see how much exercise I could build up to.  I continued to eat whatever I wanted, especially if it was high in calories.  None of this was done with losing weight in mind.  Rather, I was hoping to gain weight, and re-grow some of my once thick curly hair and beautiful nails.   

    Take my words to heart, readers, and do not learn the hard way as I have.  Listen to your doctors regarding health and rest.  Do not put the demands of the un-healthy “wellness” industry first.  Get quiet within, listen to what your body needs, and act accordingly.  Beauty is fleeting, but longevity and happiness are true goals to live by.  With that advice, I wish you blessings and peace in your journeys.  Love, G.