The Ladybug

Tag: Mindfulness

  • Acceptance: A Better World than Self-Pity 

    I had a therapist quite a while ago that had a great saying: You can visit pity-city, but do not unpack and live there.  I believe that recently I have been visiting pity-city, and I am trying to cut the vacation short before I take up permanent residence.  You see, this is a dangerous place for me to live because suddenly all my mental and spiritual focus shifts onto me and me alone.  It is tempting to obsess over everything that seems to be going wrong in my life and feel sorry for myself, leading of course to the world’s best sulky mood.  And the ultimate question…why me?  If one’s life is not going as planned or as one would wish it to, pity-city is an obvious destination. 

    However, I plan to fight this mindset.  My bags are packed, and I am leaving pity-city ASAP.  So, where is my next stop?  I am taking the express train to radical acceptance.  To reference therapy again, radical acceptance is a practice I learned from a Dialectical Behavioral Therapist (DBT) during the 2020 pandemic.  And to be honest, at first, I really hated the idea.  Radical acceptance does not mean that I am saying the unhappy situation is okay and that I approve of it.  The practice is also not even saying that I enjoy or like the situation that I am in.  Rather, radical acceptance is simply a mindset of overcoming the misery of a life situation by accepting its reality in my life and moving on, so that I can endure the situation with less pain and suffering.  I may not like it, but it is what it is.   

    DBT was created by a mastermind therapist named Dr. Marsha M. Linehan for people with borderline personality disorder, but it can be applied broadly to anyone needing basic life skills in therapy.  I, personally, have found it very helpful.  DBT also has a mindfulness component that I find refreshing.  Over the years, I have used mindfulness meditations to a greater or lesser degree, depending on the situation I found myself in. My mom gifts me the Calm App (Not Sponsored!) every year for Christmas, and I find the guided meditations to be very helpful.  Meditating, even for a 10-minute session, can help me practice radical acceptance.  When I relax my mind and focus on my breath to steady myself, I have less bandwidth to focus on all my problems…which leads to less focus on self-pity.  I highly recommend trying a practice that aids you in stepping outside of your own world of pain and instead brings to reality a world where the imperfect can be accepted as not permanent, and therefore less threatening. 

    I began DBT group therapy at the young age of 20, but it was not until I was in my 30’s that I really began to appreciate its benefits.  I rebelled against the radical acceptance piece, often complaining to my therapist that it seemed impossible.  What has changed?  I guess with age comes wisdom, because now I can see that the more I ruminate on what is going wrong in my life, the stronger the problem will appear in my mind.  Acceptance of a negative situation is a challenge, but ultimately, it takes away the power that the pain has over you.  Breath.  Be still.  And trust in a Higher Power.   

    I call my Higher Power God, but it can be different for other people, what matters is having a source outside of yourself to rely on and gather strength from.  I do not believe that I could have survived without my faith in God.  Once I accept a situation that is causing me suffering, I hand it to God, and ask Him to take “the wheel,” and guide my path.  I know that I am only a little human, who cannot deal with a complicated life all on my own.   

    And this is why living in pity-city is such a bad idea.  When I am there, I feel separated not only from radical acceptance of my problems but also separated from God.  I am sealing myself off from support by dwelling in my misery.  Not a smart idea.  My hope in sharing these honest reflections is that they might help you, too, dear readers.  Nobody has an easy life, we all deal with something, or many somethings.  I encourage you to let go of any rumination, accept what may be painful, and hand it to a Higher Power who can provide your soul with relief.  My prayer in typing these words is that what I have learned the hard way over the years can be learned by someone else and aid that person to a better and happier life. 

    Go in Peace and Blessings, G. 

  • Perfectionism Part 3: Body Image Ideals in America are Harmful 

    Dear readers, I am aware that discussing any aspect of body image can be potentially triggering, especially to those individuals diagnosed with eating disorders.  I, myself, was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa at age 20, after starting to display symptoms in my late teen years.  Due to my own experiences, I will endeavor to make this article sensitive to those who struggle.  However, I want everyone to honor their own boundaries with the topic.  With that spirit in mind, let us start to talk… 

    One of the most freeing phrases that I ever heard during my eating disorder recovery journey was: your body is not a project.  I have always felt a great deal of pressure my whole life to micro-manage my appearance, especially my weight.  I used to wear heavy make-up, dye my hair, follow all the latest fashions of dress, and starve my body.  In the USA, women who identify as cis-gender females are placed under a huge amount of pressure to groom ourselves into oblivion, even to go so far as to consume diet pills and under-go plastic surgery.  There is an expected, and, frankly, un-achievable, ideal “look” that we must work towards.  Lots of money is poured into this industry of beauty and the pursuit of feminine perfection. 

    Well, now I am saying to it all: F*#ck You!!  My body is not a project.  I look the way I look, and as long as I am healthy, then I am satisfied with my appearance.  In my current world, after being severely ill for 6 and a half months, being healthy and strong in my body image is way more important to me than being glamorous.   

    In addition, I have had a shift over the last few months as to how I identify in my beauty image.  I would now say that I am more of an androgenous female than a typical cis-gendered female.  Some days I am glammed up and girly, while other days I feel comfortable in flannel, jeans, and winter boots.  The identity of androgyny allows for this flexibility, being somewhere in the middle, neither feminine nor masculine.  My studies at university allowed me to gain more exposure to the differing worlds of gender identity, and, after writing a paper on androgyny, I felt so much more connected to my true self. 

    I’m beginning to wonder why I have been spending the last 20 or so years trying to be thin and cute.  Why have I cared what society thought of me?  The dream of being the perfect model from the pages of a women’s magazine or following the latest wellness trend has not been making me healthier or more beautiful, it has been killing me.  As one of my friends said to me recently regarding the weight-loss drug craze, “It seems to be a sickness in our society that is unique to America.”  I am grateful for her honest assessment, and I could not agree more.  American wellness culture, and the corresponding products and medications that feed the system with millions of dollars, just harm the very humans they claim to be aiding. 

    So, I am choosing to be free from the trap of twisting myself up-side down to meet the societal beauty standards.  I encourage you to free yourself as well!  Wherever you are on the body-image road, whether you are struggling with disordered eating, or you are struggling with the pursuit of the wellness community, coined often as orthorexia, I invite you to take a moment to pause.  Think about what your goals are with your appearance and resulting health.  Are you simply chasing an impossible beauty standard?  Or are you investing heavily in a financial way to bring about a drastic figure change?  The only investment that I now believe is honestly worth it, and will bring about the most joy, is the time and energy to be healthy, happy, and authentically YOU!!  There is no reason to conform to any other standard or request from an industry that will not pay you back.   

    These revelations have taken me years to reach!  From wandering hospital hallways with a feeding tube up my nose to over-exercising, to starving and to binging, I have finally arrived at a moment of peace.  Just be where your body desires and forget what America might think.  You will be surprised how much mental room will be created in your head when you let go, and how much room in your wallet you will discover.  Bodies are meant to be all different shapes and sizes.  Food is meant to be joyful and shared, bringing friends and family together.  Exercise is meant to destress and strengthen, without pushing too far.  Try out a few of my radical ideas and see how much tension in your life will lift.  I hope my years of pain can be turned into something helpful for others.   

    To conclude, I would like to provide you with an example from my own life.  While I have been ill recently, I was told repeatedly by my doctors to be on bedrest.  But I kept pushing to be active and exercise, because I was afraid of gaining too much weight while “lying around being sick.”  Finally, I basically collapsed into my own bed and rested for 2 weeks.  I purposefully lay around, watched Netflix, and ate high-calorie and high-protein foods to strengthen my body which was hard at work fighting a serious infection.  Finally, after 2 weeks in bed, I emerged for a 1-mile walk.  Then, I rested.  Next, a 2-mile walk.  Then, I rested.  Testing the waters slowly to see how much exercise I could build up to.  I continued to eat whatever I wanted, especially if it was high in calories.  None of this was done with losing weight in mind.  Rather, I was hoping to gain weight, and re-grow some of my once thick curly hair and beautiful nails.   

    Take my words to heart, readers, and do not learn the hard way as I have.  Listen to your doctors regarding health and rest.  Do not put the demands of the un-healthy “wellness” industry first.  Get quiet within, listen to what your body needs, and act accordingly.  Beauty is fleeting, but longevity and happiness are true goals to live by.  With that advice, I wish you blessings and peace in your journeys.  Love, G.