Dear readers, can you tell from this photo how I am feeling/doing? Would you say I look great? I took this selfie at the park today…but what about my day can you really understand from the look of the photo? Let’s explore the topic of compliments based on appearance…
I do not wish to seem vain when I say that I have received many positive comments about my physical appearance throughout my lifetime. However, today I want to draw the curtain back and talk honestly about what is often going on under the surface. As I have shared in the past, I struggle with multiple chronic illnesses, both mental and physical. In addition, recently I have had some acute illnesses distressing me as well. So, I consider myself a bit of an expert on the problems associated with getting compliments on “looking great,” while feeling like hell on the inside. Let me give you some examples of what I mean:
First, I have struggled since age 18 with a severe eating disorder. This disorder, which I call ED, has continued for my entire adult life. It has taken many forms and has been visible with many different disordered eating behaviors. Therefore, I have never been able to maintain a stable weight. I am 5’4” tall and have weighed in a range of over a hundred pounds of differences. I have been a size 0 and a size 20 in pants. When I was anywhere from a size 0 to a size 12-14, I still received positive compliments, although I found that the lower the pants size, the more compliments I would acquire. From size 14-20 in pants, I very rarely received any compliments, and was told constantly that I looked “unhealthy” and had “lost control.” What I never told the people who felt free to comment either positively or negatively on my pants size, was that I was either starving myself to be thin, or binging to deal with stress, or purging to try to “fix” my weight gain. In addition, I went through cycles in time when I was over-exercising to control my weight and get positive feedback. I was punishing my body at the gym, just hoping to accomplish another physical appearance goal. Finally, I had to stop visiting gyms, as they became unhealthy environments for me. I understand that this experience of gyms is not true for everyone, just my story’s truth.
Second, my chronic mental health issues such as bipolar disorder and PTSD affected my inner world and still do to this day. I used to wear heavy make-up and heavy perfume and obsess about my fashion choices, all because I did not want anyone to see how depressed I was or how much I was struggling to merely hold it all together emotionally. I would spend hours on my hair, dying it, growing it long, straightening it with a hot iron, all so that I could look like anyone but my natural self. The truth was that in my 20’s I went through a mental storm where I hated myself and I could not get stable. Thankfully, that is no longer the reality of my life. In my late 30’s now, I live on a much more even street, but I still struggle. The mental health issues I have are chronic, and so will never go away. But I do not try to disguise myself anymore with beauty armor. I wear my hair in its natural curls and color, even letting the grey strands creep in, and I wear minimal makeup and feel comfortable in sweatpants and a tank top. I do not hide. I also get a lot less attention from men who want a model for a girlfriend. In the past, partners I have had have asked me to change my appearance for their preferences. My attitude now is…f*ck em! The right type of partner will find me eventually, and whoever they are, I will require them to not ask me to change my appearance, and simply like me for me.
Third, both chronic and acute physical illnesses have plagued me throughout my life. This may be my biggest annoyance. I receive a compliment when inwardly I’m dying from my invisible illnesses. I have what is known in Zebra circles (IYKYK) as the trifecta (hEDS, POTS, and MCAS). These are: Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardic Syndrome, and Mast Cell Activation Syndrome, Google them for more info! These are miserable illnesses to live with, and there are few treatments for them. It is all about “lifestyle management.” I may look great but feel terrible and barely standing, not an exaggeration as I sometimes now walk with a cane or walker. I want to make something clear, compliments on my personality or spiritual gifts etc…are welcome. But when my body is aching and I feel physically terrible, and someone assumes that I must be feeling better because I “look great,” that is what upsets me. Please simply ask if my health is better. Do not make a blanket statement that feels as though it dismisses my physical suffering by making a compliment on my appearance.
Finally, you may be thinking that I am a snob for not wanting to accept compliments about my physique. But that is not the problem. I respect and honor that people are only trying to be nice and find something positive to say. I just want, in return, a little more validation for what I struggle with due to my eating disorder, mental illness, and chronic and acute physical illnesses. It somehow feels dismissive to be told that if I can be beautiful, I have won the battle. And I am currently battling hard with all 4 of the problems I just named. If you would like to say something nice, please ask me how I am doing and I am willing to give you an honest answer. I want friends who will listen to me when I struggle. I want a romantic partner who sees me and accepts me for me. I am fortunate to have met some of these types of friends, although I cannot say the same for my romantic history. But stories of dating and soulmates would have to be its own blog post, and it is one that, currently, I am not willing to make public.
I leave you with some thoughts. Try to come up with compliments for your friends and family that are not appearance-based. Compliment their incredible kindness, smarts, bravery, or laughter that makes you laugh…be creative and let your loved ones know that you love them for who they truly are. I, myself, have made appearance comments before as well, and I am pledging right now to reform my ways, won’t you join me?
With all respect and love for my readers, G.
PS!
If you struggle with an eating disorder, check out MEDA Inc. | Multi-Service Eating Disorders Association
If you struggle with mental illness, you can always dial 988 for crisis assistance or go to 988 Lifeline – If you need emotional support, reach out to the national mental health hotline: 988.
Finally, if you struggle with hEDS, check out Support – The Ehlers Danlos Society
Remember, you are Never alone!!!
The Ladybug 