The Ladybug

Tag: Health

  • How to Praise God on Difficult Days 

    Dear readers of The Ladybug, do you ever have days that are intensely stressful and you wonder how to say “Thank You” to God at the end of them? I had one such day today. For personal reasons, to protect others, I cannot outline for you the details of the stressful situations today. Regardless, I will just state that more than one event unfolded that pushed my mind and body to the limits. I am now lying in bed with my laptop and trying to decompress myself. When I started to say “Grace” before my dinner, I realized that I didn’t want to say my usual line at the end of the prayer. This is the usual statement, “Dear God, Thank You for all of the blessings of this life, I praise Your Holy wonderful Name!”  

    Instead, tonight I felt resentful towards God. I wanted to complain to Him, and frankly, be pissed off. So, I took a deep breath and said my usual prayer statement anyway. A nice f*ck you to the devil, ha-ha! Then, I felt inspired to write this post, because I realized that I am probably not alone with sometimes reacting this way to a bad day.  

    So, I have decided to tell you what went “right” today. Because I firmly believe that there is always something to thank God for, even if it is just the fact that you are still on the correct side of the grass. However, today I have more than only my life to be thankful for. To name a couple of items: I had a matcha green tea latte AND an iced coffee with oat milk. These are my two favorite drinks of choice. Living in a sober lifestyle and having them both on the same day is a big treat!  

    Also, I had enough money in my normally small bank account to buy myself a new yoga mat. Recently, yoga has become a major coping skill for me. I had not practiced it consistently for years, and so I began with chair yoga to strengthen my muscles and re-build my skills. Now, I feel ready to tackle more traditional forms of yoga on a floor mat. This was an exciting purchase for me! In addition to being relaxing, I have found yoga to be a form of movement that my physically weak body can manage better than some more intensive workouts for the time being. I am on a slow, but steady, fitness journey after major illness, and this yoga mat is the next step! 

    Third on my list is the fact that in my new apartment, I have my own washer and dryer for the first time ever! Maybe I am majorly “geeking out” with adulting here and showing my age but not having to share with other apartments or go to Mom and Dad’s house is a big deal! Suddenly, I love doing laundry. Having your own machines is an incredible luxury that most people in middle to upper class USA take for granted, but I have been poor ever since I’ve been on my own as an adult. Therefore, this is a big deal for me, and I am grateful to God. 

    Finally, and most importantly, one of the professionals who helps me with my mental health showed up for me in a big way today. I am blessed to work with some amazing people who assist me with my disabilities, and having services is also a big blessing. I know many people who “fall through the cracks” of the mental health system. They need services, and could benefit greatly, but they are not connected to the right agencies. I am truly humbled by the amazing people that I have met on my healing journey with mental illness and today was no exception. It was easy to thank God today for this person. 

    And…there you go! I have just written four paragraphs about the multitude of ways that God was Amazing today! I have thanked God in my heart over again, as I write and realize that I lead a truly wonderful life. If you have a bad day, I encourage you to try the same exercise. Pull out your journal, or a simple paper and pen, and write down anything that you can think of that did go well throughout your day. Your gratitude examples can be small and simple, but I bet you can think of a couple. Remember, God is always Good, He wants to provide a beautiful life for us little humans. When things go wrong, God wants to help us through. Reach out and Thank God, it will turn your mind in the right direction to focus on healing, instead of resentment. 

    Thank you to you, too, dear readers. My writing blesses me just as much as you, if not more so. I hope I have inspired you to have a peaceful night and find a good release for your own frustrations. Sending Hugs and Love, G. 

    PS The picture of Sunflowers is in memory of my beautiful Aunt, who loved them. 

  • “You Look Great!” Are Appearance-Based Compliments a Problem? 

    Dear readers, can you tell from this photo how I am feeling/doing?  Would you say I look great?  I took this selfie at the park today…but what about my day can you really understand from the look of the photo?  Let’s explore the topic of compliments based on appearance… 

    I do not wish to seem vain when I say that I have received many positive comments about my physical appearance throughout my lifetime.  However, today I want to draw the curtain back and talk honestly about what is often going on under the surface. As I have shared in the past, I struggle with multiple chronic illnesses, both mental and physical.  In addition, recently I have had some acute illnesses distressing me as well.  So, I consider myself a bit of an expert on the problems associated with getting compliments on “looking great,” while feeling like hell on the inside.  Let me give you some examples of what I mean: 

    First, I have struggled since age 18 with a severe eating disorder.  This disorder, which I call ED, has continued for my entire adult life.  It has taken many forms and has been visible with many different disordered eating behaviors.  Therefore, I have never been able to maintain a stable weight.  I am 5’4” tall and have weighed in a range of over a hundred pounds of differences.  I have been a size 0 and a size 20 in pants.  When I was anywhere from a size 0 to a size 12-14, I still received positive compliments, although I found that the lower the pants size, the more compliments I would acquire.  From size 14-20 in pants, I very rarely received any compliments, and was told constantly that I looked “unhealthy” and had “lost control.”  What I never told the people who felt free to comment either positively or negatively on my pants size, was that I was either starving myself to be thin, or binging to deal with stress, or purging to try to “fix” my weight gain.  In addition, I went through cycles in time when I was over-exercising to control my weight and get positive feedback.  I was punishing my body at the gym, just hoping to accomplish another physical appearance goal.  Finally, I had to stop visiting gyms, as they became unhealthy environments for me.  I understand that this experience of gyms is not true for everyone, just my story’s truth. 

    Second, my chronic mental health issues such as bipolar disorder and PTSD affected my inner world and still do to this day.  I used to wear heavy make-up and heavy perfume and obsess about my fashion choices, all because I did not want anyone to see how depressed I was or how much I was struggling to merely hold it all together emotionally.  I would spend hours on my hair, dying it, growing it long, straightening it with a hot iron, all so that I could look like anyone but my natural self.  The truth was that in my 20’s I went through a mental storm where I hated myself and I could not get stable.  Thankfully, that is no longer the reality of my life.  In my late 30’s now, I live on a much more even street, but I still struggle.  The mental health issues I have are chronic, and so will never go away.  But I do not try to disguise myself anymore with beauty armor.  I wear my hair in its natural curls and color, even letting the grey strands creep in, and I wear minimal makeup and feel comfortable in sweatpants and a tank top.  I do not hide.  I also get a lot less attention from men who want a model for a girlfriend.  In the past, partners I have had have asked me to change my appearance for their preferences. My attitude now is…f*ck em! The right type of partner will find me eventually, and whoever they are, I will require them to not ask me to change my appearance, and simply like me for me. 

    Third, both chronic and acute physical illnesses have plagued me throughout my life.  This may be my biggest annoyance.  I receive a compliment when inwardly I’m dying from my invisible illnesses.  I have what is known in Zebra circles (IYKYK) as the trifecta (hEDS, POTS, and MCAS).  These are: Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardic Syndrome, and Mast Cell Activation Syndrome, Google them for more info!  These are miserable illnesses to live with, and there are few treatments for them.  It is all about “lifestyle management.”  I may look great but feel terrible and barely standing, not an exaggeration as I sometimes now walk with a cane or walker.  I want to make something clear, compliments on my personality or spiritual gifts etc…are welcome. But when my body is aching and I feel physically terrible, and someone assumes that I must be feeling better because I “look great,” that is what upsets me.  Please simply ask if my health is better. Do not make a blanket statement that feels as though it dismisses my physical suffering by making a compliment on my appearance.   

    Finally, you may be thinking that I am a snob for not wanting to accept compliments about my physique.  But that is not the problem.  I respect and honor that people are only trying to be nice and find something positive to say.  I just want, in return, a little more validation for what I struggle with due to my eating disorder, mental illness, and chronic and acute physical illnesses.  It somehow feels dismissive to be told that if I can be beautiful, I have won the battle.  And I am currently battling hard with all 4 of the problems I just named.  If you would like to say something nice, please ask me how I am doing and I am willing to give you an honest answer.  I want friends who will listen to me when I struggle.  I want a romantic partner who sees me and accepts me for me.  I am fortunate to have met some of these types of friends, although I cannot say the same for my romantic history.  But stories of dating and soulmates would have to be its own blog post, and it is one that, currently, I am not willing to make public.   

    I leave you with some thoughts.  Try to come up with compliments for your friends and family that are not appearance-based.  Compliment their incredible kindness, smarts, bravery, or laughter that makes you laugh…be creative and let your loved ones know that you love them for who they truly are.  I, myself, have made appearance comments before as well, and I am pledging right now to reform my ways, won’t you join me?   

    With all respect and love for my readers, G.

    PS!

    If you struggle with an eating disorder, check out MEDA Inc. | Multi-Service Eating Disorders Association

    If you struggle with mental illness, you can always dial 988 for crisis assistance or go to 988 Lifeline – If you need emotional support, reach out to the national mental health hotline: 988.

    Finally, if you struggle with hEDS, check out Support – The Ehlers Danlos Society

    Remember, you are Never alone!!!

  • The Rebellion of Rest 

    I struggle with finding balance.  Balance seems to me to be a dirty word that I do not want to think about.  In my life, it is typically all Go Go Go, or Stop and Collapse!  There is no in-between.  Part of this mindset is influenced by my bipolar disorder, where my energies are either manic or depressed.  But even when my mood is peaceful, I still struggle to balance my schedule.  Why is this a problem? Mainly because I hustle due to the messages around me in society.  However, I have chronic physical illnesses as well which prevent success.  I want to be always busy and productive, but my body will not sustain that amount of activity. 

    This morning, during my devotional time with God, I was led to read about the topic of rest.  At first, I felt frustrated by the subject.  Yes, God, I get it…I do not rest enough.  But then I thought about it more.  There are many different types of resting activities.  It does not have to feel boring and pointless.  One can rest by writing thoughts in a journal.  One can rest by taking a nature walk and listening to the sounds of birds and rustling leaves.  One can rest by reading a book and curling up with a warm cup of coffee or tea.  And talking to God by sitting quietly and repeating a gentle mantra in one’s head can be incredibly healing and restful.  There is plenty of room for creativity in thinking of restful activities.   

    I used to believe that I HAD to be productive every minute to earn the right to exist.  If I had no purpose, then I did not deserve to take up space in this world.  But now I think this mindset is harmful.  In western cultures we value busyness over quiet pursuits.  For example, if there is a wait at the doctor’s office, you are expected to pull out your smartphone and start scrolling, instead of closing your eyes and spending a few minutes meditating in the stillness.  I feel particularly judged because I do not have a paying job.  I often get asked the question “Well…what do you do with your time??”  It is assumed I am a menace to society, too lazy to deserve attention.   

    One of the major struggles I had recently was a long illness where I could not do much beyond lying on the couch.  I then recovered for a while, only to relapse again.  My responsibilities were hard to fulfill due to my fatigue, and I began to feel worthless.  Who am I if I cannot do things and accomplish lists of chores and volunteer commitments?  And what about college?  Do I register for more classes or just give up?  My mind began to spin.  This battle was too big to handle on my own.  I had to take it to God.  And the overwhelming answer was REST!  You do not need to feel guilty.  The word “No” is perfectly acceptable.  Accommodation can be made and it is not a problem.  But I still felt guilty.  I was not performing in a society that demands us to all be acting all the time. 

    So, this is my statement of rebellion.  I will no longer listen to the voices in the news and media.  I will instead listen to the guidance of my body and my spirit and my faith.  I am worthy no matter how little or much I do on any given day.  And if the only thing I do is move from the bed to the couch and back again, then that is okay!!  Biblically, I am completely backed up…even God rested during the creation of the earth.  Sunday is our day of rest for a reason.  I challenge you to think about your life and see if you need to grant yourself some time to rest.  Are you pushing too hard because you feel like you have too?  Let Go.  Take some time to be still, however that feels best for you.  Trust me, it will refresh your soul.  When you do go back to being busy, you will have an added spring in your step because you took a pause.  Your life will not fall apart because you stopped rushing for a moment.  Let it go.  Let it be. 

            I know that what I am writing is not popular opinion among busy Americans.  But resting is crucial to both mental and physical success.  The hustle can wait.  Life is truly about that dirty word balance.  Find the way that works best for you and stick with it, even if it feels awkward at first to slow down.  Throughout the Gospels in the Bible, we are told of Jesus going alone to the mountains to pray at differing points of His ministry.  He needed to re-boot with quiet time, and so do you!  So, take the step, and step back, not forward.  Breathe and be quiet.  I promise you will feel better.  This practice has helped me, and I assure you that it will help you.   

    In Rest and Peace, G. 

  • Strength Inside the Struggle

    Today is a holiday, Valentine’s Day, and many are enjoying dates with their partners and the thrill of a special evening approaching. However, I will be honest that that is not my reality today. Why? Because, I am sick today. My chronic illnesses are in a flare. So, I thought I’d give you a look at what that is like for me, instead of pretending that my life is roses. This entry is not meant as a pity party, merely to give the average healthy person a glimpse into my world.

         I have been diagnosed with what is casually known as “the trifecta.” This includes hEDS (hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome), POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome), and MCAS (Mast Cell Activation Syndrome). I encourage you to Google them, because these are complex chronic illnesses that have no cure, and make the lives of those who suffer from them pretty damn miserable! Basically, I struggle with a multitude of symptoms, including chronic fatigue and chronic pain. I take 20 medications a day in an attempt to manage the symptoms, but nothing is super effective. These medications also include the ones I take for my mental illness diagnoses. However, I have written previously about my chronic mental illness diagnoses, and they are not the topic of this post.

         I began having health problems as a child, and I have always been “sickly.” It has been a long journey of tears, unsuccessful treatments, surgeries, trips to the ER, and doctors telling me that I was crazy before I finally got the correct physical diagnoses. They came from a combination of an Integrative Medicine doctor in Northampton, MA and a few specialists in Boston, MA.  The trip to reach answers was long and difficult.

         Once I was properly diagnosed, I had a lot to process. On the one hand, I was relieved, and on the other hand, I was completely overwhelmed with facing what I now knew would be a lifetime of being sick. In early 2025, I began seeing a health psychologist for a special kind of therapy to help me learn how to live better and cope with the new knowledge. He has been extremely helpful. However, it has also been a challenging process to relearn how to balance my daily activities so as to better preserve my health.

         You see, I have always been an active person. I have always enjoyed setting goals for physical activities and participating in charity walks. As a younger person, I rode horses competitively and did jumping at horse shows, as well as dressage. I once dreamed of being a horse trainer. In addition, I had a passion for running as a young woman and enjoyed lifting weights at the local gym. My attitude was always to push through and keep going.

         BUT, as I have progressed through life, so have my illnesses progressed. All of those activities I loved to do my body can no longer support. Not surprisingly, this has left me with a ton of mental grief to process, and a lot of anger. So, now we come to the reason for the photograph I chose for today’s entry, which is me walking with my cane. Thankfully, I do not need the cane every day yet, but I do need it more and more. In addition, I occasionally have even needed a walker when in a really bad flare of illness. I have just turned 39 years old, and this seems incredibly unfair to me!

         How do I cope? Not great. Honestly, I have to spend a lot of time lying on the couch or bed and simply resting. Netflix and my DVD player have become necessities. I will say it: I hate resting. I crave a busy and productive life, and I wish my body would let me do more. I’m no expert still on living with chronic illness and dealing with the physical and mental pain. I just keep going. I keep putting one foot in front of the other and being grateful for the good days when I get to accomplish something meaningful.

                For example, I transferred to Westfield State University in the Fall 2021 semester, after not doing college course work for 14 years. It has been difficult, but I have now completed 11 courses at WSU with an overall GPA of 3.8. In addition, I enjoy volunteering at my local church. This year there was a high of being a worship leader for the Christmas Eve service. Mission work for the less fortunate in our society is also a passion of mine, and I feel fulfilled when I can help local charities. And, family and friend time is precious to me. I love to be social, even if it means resting afterwards. All of these blessings make my life purposeful. 

        I encourage you to be grateful, just as I try to be grateful, for the wonderful moments in life! We all struggle with something, and the best comeback is to see how God has blessed us. I try to be positive, even when it’s rough, and know that I’m never alone. My family, friends, and Faith guide me through. May my story inspire you to see your own strengths inside the struggle, and NEVER give up!!

         With Resilience, G.

  • Gratitude on my 39th Birthday

    Today is my 39th birthday, and, appropriately, the 30th blog entry of The Ladybug.  Wow, my last year of my 30’s has arrived! I have some reflections.  My first and initial reaction is: how the fuck did time pass so quickly?!  I thought I was just barely learning to be an adult and now I think I am officially a grown-up!  I live independently in my own apartment and manage my own money and drive my own car.  However, that said, I still need a lot of support to cope with this thing called life, as we all do.  It takes a village. None of us can exist alone in a vacuum, especially if you are an extrovert like me.  I am fortunate and blessed to have many good friends and loving family connections.  In addition, I receive excellent professional care for my struggles.  What I want to convey most in this post is how grateful I am for the beautiful life God has granted me!!  

    In honor of the gorgeous sunny fall day that has greeted me on my birthday, I want to share a top 5 gratitude list: 

    1: God is Good!  My faith is the most important thing in my life.  No matter how badly life seems to be going, I know that God will not abandon me.  I firmly believe that God loves me and works all things for my good (Romans 8:28).  I never have to fear, because in the end it will all be okay, and if it is not okay, then it is not the end. God has the ultimate control.  This belief set allows me to face every difficulty in my life, and we all know that life is not always easy.  May you, reader, be blessed, no matter what you are facing.  God is Good. 

    2: Love is a blessing.  While my romantic endeavors have never been super successful, which I do not plan to discuss in this blog, I have never had any lack of love in my life.  Love can come from many different places.  For example, my parents have raised me in a loving and supportive home.  My friends always rally around me when life is hard and make me laugh when life is good.  My extended family is kind and generous.  I could not ask for more love.  It is truly all around me! (Aww, so corny!)  

    3: I have always been blessed to have my basic needs met, including food, clean water, medical care, and shelter.  This is not the case for so many others in our country and across the world.  I know that leaner times are coming due to the direction of our current leadership in America, but I am still grateful.  I feel a deep connection to the homeless and to those in prisons because I have never known that pain.  I have been spared many heartaches.  Everyone suffers in this life; however, the degree of suffering varies.  I’m aware that my trials have been limited.   

    4: I have been exposed to the arts in a meaningful way.  I love watching ballet and listening to all forms of music.  In the past, I have experimented with creating paintings and collages.  Photography has always been a passion of mine, and I still enjoy capturing as many photos as possible.  Singing along to a favorite tune lifts my heart when I feel blue.  Visiting art museums and experiencing the genius of others has been a true gift.  Plays and film are also other art forms that I enjoy.  It is a true luxury to watch many differing movies, TV shows, and live theater performances.  Creativity is a beautiful expression of the human experience. 

    5: Writing.  Whether journaling, blogging, or working on my surprise project, writing feeds my soul in a special way.  In addition, I have been blessed to attend more than one university and to learn to improve my writing.  I dream of one day becoming a successful published author.  Let us not also forget the luxury of being able to read.  Many around the world, and in the USA, are illiterate, even if they do wish to read.  Writing and reading are blessings that I hope to remember to never take for granted.  In this theme, I would like to offer some advice: read a banned book while you still can!  There is an attack on works of quality literature now, and I feel compelled to urge all of my readers to use your minds and rebel!  That is my act of political defiance for the day!  

    As I turn the corner from “young adult” to “middle age,” I feel so much more confident in my own skin.  I know what I want, and I will not tolerate BS from anyone.  I have become a successful self-advocate, which is a crucial skill when one has physical and mental health issues like I experience.  Never be afraid to stand up for yourself!  I still have a way to go with my self-esteem and self-confidence, but both are in much better paces than when I turned 29 years old.  One final piece of advice from me to you: do not be afraid to seek help.  It may mean the difference between misery and survival.  More than that, life should be about thriving, not barely hanging on and surviving.  So, find a way to thrive, even if things feel messy.  Choose one small thing to accomplish and do it well.  Life is precious and fleeting, live it up!  And, of course, my favorite phrase to say, NEVER give up!!  Happy Birthday to me and thank you to all my readers for allowing me into your thoughts.  May you thrive and be happy!  With Peace, G. 

    PS This photo is me at home today, casual and relaxed at 39!

  • Perfectionism Part 2: My Truth and 10 Coping Skills for Depression

    I like to ask myself the question: How is it with my soul?  This is not a phrase unique to me, but one that I have heard from many religious leaders throughout my life.  Unfortunately, the truth of the answer to that question in my life is often messy.  Life is tough, and I find that there seems to always be a struggle.  However, there is another question I frequently ask myself that goes along with the first one: How do I want to appear on social media?  I VERY rarely tell the truth of the answer to question 1 when I consider the answer to question 2.  Social media seems to be too often a place for me to hide and deceive, rather than to be honest and raw.  No one sees the scars.  No one sees anything wrong.  I am perfect. 

                Well, today I want to pull the curtain back slightly and discuss a topic close to my heart which is mental health.  Yesterday, October 10th, was #Worldmentalhealthday and while I posted a nice photo and cute caption to my Instagram and Facebook accounts, I really was not sharing much.  Mental health has been a struggle for me since I was quite young, but the stigma surrounding it has often stopped me from dialoging openly about my experiences.  As I have shared on The Ladybug, my blog, I have been ill with a physical disease from a tick bite since mid-April 2025, and the journey to recovery has been a rough one.  What I have not said is the way this disease has changed my mental abilities.  Let’s talk about it.

                I have become extremely anxious and much more depressed since I got sick in April.  In addition, I have horrible bouts of brain fog and cognitive confusion that make it difficult for me to do my college schoolwork and do it well.  For the sake of this blog, I want to focus on talking about my depression.  I am extremely sensitive to medications for depression, and so, unfortunately, that line of treatment is unavailable to me.  I must rely mainly on lifestyle changes and coping skills learned in therapy to treat the symptoms.  This is very difficult.  I wish so much that there was a magic cure for the darkness that creeps into my mind.  I must thank my parents who have been Super supportive throughout my struggle, and my friends who have prayed for me.  God is Good, and I am not alone.

                While acknowledging the deep pain of difficult to treat depression, I also want to focus on all the many ways to attack this mental illness.  Here are some of the ways that I have been coping:

    1. Talking to a professional therapist and psychiatrist.  It is helpful for me to have an objective professional hear me discuss what is happening and support me with cognitive behavioral therapy sessions.  In addition, I see a Nurse Practitioner for extra support.
    2. Taking time to study the Bible and connect with God while journaling and listening to music.  This is my “Spirit Time,” and it sustains my soul with the light I need.
    3. Walks with the family dog outside in the sunlight, preferably through the woods.  Nature combined with gentle exercise can be quite healing.
    4. Looking at a relaxing magazine or loosing myself in a funny light-hearted book.  This changes my mental scenery.
    5. Not going on social media too much, and only remaining on sites that support my soul.  For example, I love ballet posts on Instagram, as well as inspirational Christian posts.
    6. Trying to keep eating and hydrating.  I tend to stop eating when I am depressed, and good nutrition is crucial.  In addition, staying sober, and only drinking favorite things like black coffee and matcha lattes is important!
    7. Talking!  I must not loose contact with those who love me!  I know I am not alone, and friendship and family, including church family, is a lovely tonic. 
    8. Writing.  You, readers, are a support for me as well, even if you did not know it.  I find a great deal of purpose through my writing, and typing away my crazy thoughts on The Ladybug, or the book I am currently writing, is quite meaningful.
    9. NEVER GIVE UP!!!  Putting that on repeat. NEVER GIVE UP!!!  Amen!
    10. Take it 5 minutes at a time when things get bad; every 24 hours is a victory!

    It was helpful for me to review these skills as I typed, and my hope is to help others. 

    My social media platforms show smiles non-stop, but I want those who struggle to know that it is okay not to be perfect, because I certainly am not!!  I have deeper thoughts and deeper pain that is a real and sometimes everyday burden.  You are not alone.  God is an ever-present help, just ask! 

    I also want to share that if someone is reading this and feels in crisis, please call 988, the national hotline.  Or visit www.afsp.org  

    The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is a great resource for support!!

    Blessings my friends! Thank you for sharing the truth with me. G.

  • Walking for a Cause: Upcoming Challenge

    Hello Readers!  Welcome to my Fall 2025 walking challenge for a Great cause!  If you have been following The Ladybug, you may know that I love to spend time in nature and walk for exercise.  Recently, this aspect of my life has become difficult due to illness.  However, I am determined to be resilient!  I have been re-building my endurance slowly but steadily with joyful movement.  The upcoming fall weather is my favorite time of year to enjoy nature, and every little walk outside is progress.

                Today, I joined the Faith Warriors Team to participate in the Out of the Darkness Central Massachusetts Walk to benefit The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP).  This organization is a cause dear to my heart, as I have struggled with mental illness personally.  There were times in my life when I contemplated giving up, and I am so grateful that I am still alive!  Through the assistance of family, friends, and professionals, I lead a beautiful life today!  The AFSP offers support to those who struggle with suicidal ideation, as well as their families and the families of loved ones lost to suicide.  In my case, I have also found my faith in God to be a healing and strong influence on my mental well-being. 

    I have used my blog, The Ladybug, to occasionally address more personal matters such as illness and recovery, and I hope that I may continue to inspire others to reflect on the positives and blessings in life.  I know that times are hard, which is even more of a reason to join and celebrate the little joys of everyday life.  If you feel so called, please follow the link below to my walk participation page and sponsor me.  All proceeds benefit the AFSP.  Let us see the beauty despite the darkness. 

    Sending Love to All, G.

    https://afspwalks.donordrive.com/participant/Gaelle-McLoud-2025

  • The Ugly Truth of Before/After Pictures: It’s Not What You Think?!

    Trigger Warning: In this post I am breaking some rules of the eating disorder (ED) recovery world, because I am showing a photo, hoping to prove a point.  However, if you are in recovery, please proceed with caution. 

    This is my own personal before and after photo:

    The picture on the left is from December 2022, and the picture on the right is from July 20, 2025.  The obvious difference is my weight loss.  Many people, both strangers and those closer to me, have complimented me on how “good” I look currently.  The implication is that smaller=better.  I would argue that American society is obsessed with thinness in women.  Somehow, we are supposed to strive for thinness constantly, and, if necessary, torture ourselves to get there.  BUT, does smaller=healthy?  Does smaller=happy?  Should smaller=goals?

                Let’s clear this up!  I want to dive into the weight loss debate by sharing the story behind my own before/after picture.  In the first “overweight” picture, I was on my way back recovering from an illness of Covid-19.  I was staying at my parents’ house during the Christmas holiday.  I was eating delicious, homecooked, and scrumptious meals prepared by my talented Mom.  My body was feeling stronger and in a good healing place.  I was enjoying walks with my Dad and the family dog.  Most importantly, I was HAPPY!  My body was not my only obsessive concern.  Life was going okay.  The status of my ED was, “under control.” 

                Now, fast-forward to today’s current photo.  I am not healthy.  My body has been through a lot this year.  My chronic illnesses have been in a flare.  In addition, I’ve had a horrible tick-borne illness and a severe bronchitis.  It feels like one thing after another.  More recently, my GI issues have flared, and eating is a battle.  This problem with food includes nausea and vomiting, as well as some new un-treated problems.  I have begun the healing process with a new team of doctors, but it is progressing slowly.  I am damn miserable!  I can not enjoy my Mom’s food.  I can not eat my favorite dishes or savor my coffee.  Yuck!

                SO, which scenario sounds like a better way to live?  I would honestly choose option number one that I described, and the accompanying photo.  Unfortunately, that is not the feedback I have received from the general public, as well as medical professionals, and even friends and family.  When I weighed more, my doctor was always telling me about the outdated BMI scale, and urging me to lose weight.  In addition, the amount of attention I received from potential romantic/sexual partners decreased when I weighed more.  No more whistles, no more date offers, and no more of that sweet sizzling tension in the air.  I had, “let myself go.”  Now that I am “attractive” again, I can feel the eyes back on me.  I am not trying to sound vain in these observations, it is just the simple truth about the way beauty and sexual attraction is viewed in the USA.  Celebrities are under the same pressure, especially women.  When females are in the spotlight, they have a microscope on their bodies, constantly urging them to get smaller and more toned. 

                What is the solution?  I will say an in-joke from my family, but perhaps you, readers, will like it too: “Fuck them if they can’t take a joke!”  Do not care what other people think about your body, care only about your own health/happiness.  There are so many more real markers of health which indicate a life well-lived than what shape your hips are.  Do you have friends who love you?  Family that supports you?  A partner who respects you?  Those blessings are worth their “weight” in GOLD.  I know these truths due to personal experience with both the abundance and lack of these treasures. 

    I am not a doctor, but after 20 years of being diagnosed with an eating disorder, I can tell you that being fat is connected to very few actual health risks.  You do not need to “lose the belly-fat.”  In fact, women are supposed to have soft tummies so they can have babies.  And what is more beautiful or joyful than bringing new life into this world?  Ladies, please be gentle on yourselves, look on your curves as gifts.  I know it is not always easy when the, “wellness,” industry is pushing against the truths I am presenting, but beauty does not need to be so narrowly defined. 

    In closing, I want to offer a hope that after reading this rather controversial post, you will begin to think through a little more the ways you are judging appearances.  I include in this statement both your own appearance, and that of those around you.  Although my post is targeted mainly for women, it can also be for other genders.  The pressure to be thin is on all, and I want to make sure I recognize that there is room for multiple definitions of gender.  So, have a good think now, and see how you can rebel against the diet and wellness communities.  They are trying to sell you products for an unattainable shape.  I think the only shape that truly matters is happiness.  Try that one on and check the fit!

    With Boldness, G.  

  • Restorative Walking: A Personal Journey

    Walking is such a wonderful activity, and full of many different benefits!  I do not take my ability to partake in this gift lightly!  And walking truly is a gift, as it allows one to exercise in a gentle way.  If you have read The Ladybug this year, you may already know that I feel especially connected to the Spirit of God while in nature and moving my body.  I also like to partake in charity walks to raise money for worthy organizations that do good in our imperfect world.  In addition, walking with a friend, family member, or group, is a blessed way to be in community and form connections.  I could go on and on about the benefits of walking, but I want to get a little more personal with my readers today about my 2025 walking journey.

                Walking is, in general, a little more difficult for me than for the “average” person.  I have been diagnosed with POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardic Syndrome) and hEDS (hypermobile sub-type Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome).  Both illnesses affect an individual’s ability to exercise.  However, I persist with a routine of walking and yoga as a way of maintaining healthy and joyful movement in my life.  The year 2025 began with a blast, with my body being strong enough to complete the American Cancer Society 31-Mile Challenge in January.  I walked 42 miles in the month of January, while raising money to fight cancer. 

                As the year continued, I began to feel a bit like I was struggling with my health.  I completed less mileage in the months of February and March.  Half-way through March 2025, I became ill with a bad bronchitis and lay in bed feeling sorry for myself.  In April 2025, I woke up on Easter Sunday extremely ill with a tick-borne illness like Malaria.  If you want more details on that experience in my life, see my former Ladybug post I’m Back! Let’s Talk Honestly About Anxiety and Faith.  By the end of May 2025, I was barely walking down to the mailbox. 

                Facing a huge deficit in my physical stamina for walking and getting outdoors for exercise has been hard on my mental health as well.  As the month of June began, I was determined I would regain my strength.  Gently, I began with restorative yoga practices.  Then, walking 0.50 miles up and down the sidewalk near my apartment building.  When I was visiting my parents’ home, I walked short distances with the family dog.  I carefully stayed under a mile at first until I felt strong enough to barely reach that distance. 

                It seemed that my fitness was on an up-swing, but the universe had other plans!  In early July, I was admitted to the hospital on a med/surge floor for testing and the procedures set me back yet again.  When one has POTS and hEDS, it is harder to recover from “normal” testing which other individuals may bounce back from.  I left the hospital on shaky legs, walking with a cane.  I do not want to complain too much at this point, because let me be clear that walking is a privilege.  Even with the set-back, I knew I was still blessed.  So, the journey now starts again to gain momentum and stamina.

                I would like to choose a charity walk in the Fall 2025 to plan to complete.  It will be beneficial to have a goal to train for as I navigate the difficulties this year has thrown at me, and may continue to provide.  Please comment your suggestions!!  I live in New England, but virtual walks are welcome, too!  Last October 2024, I completed a 10K distance virtual walk for The Jimmy Fund.  I would like to choose a walk with a good cause.  My walking journeys are never all about me.  I like to use my body, in whatever shape she is in, to spread love to others.  I hope that my passion for sticking to it and not giving up will inspire you as well.  Think of a cause you love and find a walk/run/hike/roll that you can accomplish!! 

                In Progress, G.

    PS The photo below is of me walking the family dog today.  I completed 1.03 miles! 

  • When my Spirit is in the Desert

    Confession: I am in a spiritual desert.  Perhaps you can relate.  Does the spirit just not feel quite as alive within you?  Well, that is my experience.  The major cause for me personally is stress!!!  I would love to believe that I am such a great Christian as to not drift away from God during intense periods of stress, but who am I kidding??  When life is hard or unfair, I blame God.  In my anger I step further and further away from Him.  It may be a childish reaction.  It may only make my circumstances more difficult.  And…it may lead to the desert.  Then I am alone and struggling. 

                So, what is the easy solution?  There is none!  But opening my eyes and looking around at my desert surroundings is the first step.  I must realize that my toes are sinking in the sand.  The desert is vast and mysterious.  The first step is admitting that I’ve wandered there.  If I stay in denial about my spiritual health, then God is unable to heal the relationship with me.  Let me be very clear about one fact: God never steps away from us; we step away from Him.  God always desires a loving and close bond with those He created.  God never causes bad things to happen to His beloved.  Instead, God longs for our relationship with Him to aid us in conquering the stress of a broken world. 

                The next step is sticking true to your personal spiritual rituals Even while you are in the desert.  For example, if you connect with God in nature, then take a walk!  If you connect with God through music, then lift your voice or other instrument!  If you find God in art, then dance or paint!  Never Give Up!  The key to finding your way through the desert spiritually is to keep on trudging under the sun’s hot rays.  Staying true to your passions connects you to the Spirit of Love.  In turn, the Spirit intercedes for you with God, as described in Romans 8:26-27 in the Bible.  I like to paraphrase this Scripture as such: the Spirit is a friend inside your heart that can relate to God what your thoughts and yearnings contain, all without words. 

                Ultimately, re-establishing a connection with God is the best tool for surviving the deep desert that we all may experience from time-to-time.  Therefore, a third tip I will share is that trying something new in your spiritual routine or coping skills set is a great way to re-gain that connection.  For example, in March 2024, I began volunteering to be a worship leader and sermon preacher at a local church.  Previously, I mostly volunteered doing mission work, which I loved.  However, I have now found that I have a passion for delivering sermons and organizing prayers.  I feel the Joy of God when I engage in these activities.  I find leading worship to be challenging and exciting as well.  I would not have felt these wonderful feelings if I was afraid to try something new!

                In addition, I want to make space for the fact that sometimes, engaging in new spiritual activities that require a healthy body or mind are not possible.  I, myself, have experienced this reality recently.  I have been struggling physically with a severe tick-borne illness, as well as the mental stress that results.  If you are depressed, or facing any other mental health emergency, please seek professional support. I am blessed to benefit from an excellent support system of professional mental health care.  Also, I would advise some other types of low-key forms of exercise.  Some types I have used include: a stationary-bike, a yoga mat, and 2lbs weights that allow me to “work-out” gently.  Movement can be beneficial for both chronic medical and mental illnesses.  I find that moving my body, even slowly, connects me to God.

                I will close by saying that though the journey is tough, it is worth it!  God is a beautiful constant in a world of chaos.  Draw close to Him, even if you are stressed, and He will respond.  Keep Going on the road of faith!  The desert is cruel and dusty, but even Jesus walked there, and with the aid of His Father in Heaven, Jesus walked out into eternal glory.  He will help you out of desert living as well!    

                In Living Water, G.

    PS: A picture of my time writing to you, Ladybug readers!!!