Today’s post is going to be both controversial and personal. The topics involve a discussion on sex and sexism. I was inspired to write about these thoughts by Taylor Swift’s song entitled “The Man.” The song is from her album “Lover” and discusses the double standard placed on women in the USA with regards to manly behaviors. This includes themes such as sexuality, partying, career moves etc. The basic idea of the song is that certain behaviors are accepted and celebrated for men, while women are shamed for the same behaviors. I cannot agree more with this sentiment. I have certainly experienced the burn of society due to my life choices, while being aware that if I was a man, the same choices would make me, “The Man.”
The main examples that I would like to discuss in this post are with regard to my decisions about my romantic life and childbearing years. To begin, I will be 40 years old in 4 months. I am unmarried and have never been married. I usually have a strict policy of never discussing my sex life with anyone, as it is no one’s business. But I will say just enough here to make my point. Men are praised for playing the field, racking up notches on their bed posts, and being independent bachelors. If they never marry, who cares? They are still considered hot and sexy, even if they are aging and single. Meanwhile, as a woman who likes to be single, and is aging, I am called a spinster.
Not only am I a spinster, but my sexual views and behaviors are not celebrated. I am called a slut. For example, I believe that sex outside of marriage is perfectly acceptable. I also believe that sex should be about having fun and feeling good, and I have never had sex with the intention of producing a child. These two views have led me to have my own list of sexual partners and various bachelorette behaviors. If a man gave a similar confessional, at my age, he would be called a silver fox, as well as a praised steadfast bachelor. No problem. However, I clearly have slutty problems. The only time a woman is okay to behave as a bachelorette is at her party right before her wedding.
Yes, one night before marriage, a woman can be bad. Besides that, it’s not accepted in our society. So, what about marriage? I don’t want to get married right now. I have been engaged, and I ended it. I have had a second proposal, and I ended that relationship. In fact, I do not like committed long term relationships. My longest relationships are all only about 6 months. Usually, I make it more like a month before I end it. One time, I even broke up with someone I was supposed to be in a relationship with after 2 weeks. There is only one fictional, or media, character that I can think of that acts in this way and is celebrated by society: Samantha Jones on the TV show Sex and the City. (Played perfectly by the actress Kim Cattrall).
In the show, Samantha liked to have fun, enjoy sex, avoid commitments and relationships, and she never got married. She even enjoyed a sexual experience with a woman. Many people in the religious community have condemned both the show Sex and the City, and Samantha’s character. But if you look at television and movies, there are plenty of MEN who act like Samantha and are heroes among their peers.
Another decision that Samantha Jones made was to never become a mother. This is also my 2nd life choice that, as an aging woman, I am criticized for. I have never wanted to be a mother. I have purposefully never been pregnant. I am an Auntie, and I love my niece and nephew. I am honored to be their Auntie. However, I cannot imagine having a child of my own. It is not my path; a personal decision I made a long time ago. I can honestly say that I have no regrets about not being a mother. I have been a fur baby mother to 3 different cats at varying times, and I loved that experience. I now have a fur baby sibling, my parents’ dog, and I love him dearly. But that is about as far as my maternal feelings go.
Again, for comparison, men are allowed to be childless without guilt or shame. They are not expected to want children and need them to somehow complete them. Women in our society are given the message that having a child is the only way to be a true woman. And religion, especially conservative religions, are a big proponent of this message. I am a progressive Christian. I worship Jesus as my Lord and Savior, while still believing in a liberal lifestyle and political message. Yes, the two sides of that coin can exist together peacefully. I guess that makes me somewhat of a radical, as I have met few fellow progressive Christians in my life. It only makes me much more thankful for the few friends that I have who feel the same way as I do.
To conclude, I feel the need to defend my life decisions regarding sex and motherhood mainly because I am a middle-aged woman living my life the way I want. And I have been judged harshly for these decisions by some. If I were a man, making the exact same decisions at this age, there would be no need to get defensive. Men are much freer to do what they want in this country. If you want a definitive example, let me just point to the White House. We have had two amazing female candidates, and no female president. Fortunately, we are making progress in this society toward more liberal choices for women. I see many more posts on social media by women making the exact same statements that I have conveyed in this article. I am beginning to feel less alone. But we are far from where we should be with women’s rights and freedoms in the USA, and I will keep fighting until I see success. The patriarchy may be ruling now in America, but watch out, women will never be silenced!
In radical truth, G.
The Ladybug 