The Ladybug

Tag: Self-Image

  • Perfectionism Part 1: The Church and its Influence

    I am a pastor’s daughter.  Let’s say that again with emphasis: I am a Pastor’s Daughter!!  Why does this matter?  I began addressing this topic in the, “Gaelle’s World,” section of my blog, The Ladybug, but I felt it deserved a full entry.  Being raised in the church, with Christian values, has placed a certain amount of pressure on me.  I do NOT at all blame my parents for this pressure, as it came primarily from church members, and was not something my parents instilled in me.  Nevertheless, being a pastor’s daughter is one reason that I have struggled with perfectionism from a very young age.  There are, of course, other contributors to perfectionism in my personality, but let’s start with the church.  This will be a three-part series in which I will cover the topic of perfectionism fully.  Stay tuned!!

                So, what do I mean by “The church?”  I am discussing the Christian church as a global whole for now, not a specific congregation that I have belonged to.  My parents are left-leaning politically, and raised me with primarily liberal values.  I was not brought up in a Christian Nationalist home or with any other type of conservative Christian theology.  However, I still felt suppressed by the comments and expectations of the members of my father’s churches.  For example, my clothing decisions, how I dyed my hair, the extra-curricular activities I did with my friends, the partners I chose to date, and even my sexuality felt critiqued.  My Dad was a pastor for The United Church of Christ, a relatively liberal Christian denomination, but I still felt pressure.  When I dyed my hair blue, I was told by a church-goer that it looked, “immature.”  I was only 14 years old! 

                Fast forward, and I have struggled to carve out my own comfortable church alliances as an adult because the Christian Nationalists have taken over so much of what is identified as “Christian” in the USA.  I now identify myself as a “Progressive Christian” every time I am asked about my faith, just to make sure that I am implying my beliefs correctly.  I am extremely liberal politically, and yet still feel that Jesus is my Lord.  Those two identities seem to be in conflict currently.  However, my perfectionism battle is finally feeling much better.  At 38, almost 39 years old, I am confident in ways that were missing during my childhood and 20’s.  When I was younger, The Church, and all the pressure and comments got to me in a way that no longer matters now.  I am so much more comfortable with myself, and I feel close to God in the way I understand Him as my Father and Protector. 

                Make no mistake, the pressure is still there in this country to conform to a perfect “Stepford wife” way of life if you are a Christian.  But, Nope, Not me!!  I will not dye my hair bleach blonde, put in extensions, wear barbie clothes, get my lips plumped, my breasts enhanced, and my hips shrunk.  Money does not rule my mind.  I’d rather be poor and be right with God then cave to The Christian Nationalist’s female ideal that wealthy men in right-wing conservative roles of power marry.  And, yes, that is a dig at Donald Trump, and he will probably sue me for insulting him and his cronies.  My battle cry these days is: Be myself and Be Free!  No perfect image to fit into for a perfect church going girl.  My true friends in Christ love me for me, and I accept my flat chest and chestnut/greying hair just fine.  God is perfect, I do not need to be.  I encourage you to find a church that supports you and loves you for all your little quirks.  Jesus preached love, let us spread it among one another!

                To be continued…

                With Blessings and Freedom, G. 

    PS If this topic stirs up your feelings with controversy, yay!  I am hoping to encourage you to think about your beliefs and question our current status quo in America.  Let me here your thoughts in the comments!

  • Diagnosed: Who Am I?

    Personal Post: Mental Health

    Is it helpful or hurtful to be diagnosed with an illness?  The answer may seem obvious, that a diagnosis can help in treatment and, hopefully, recovery.  However, does this reasoning apply to mental illnesses as well as physical ones?  I feel that I have a unique perspective on this question, because I have been diagnosed with both.  Unfortunately, I struggle with several chronic medical conditions that require treatment.  In addition, I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which has also led to prescription drug treatment and hospital stays.  Revealing these facts about my life used to feel shameful and embarrassing.  People are usually understanding and sympathetic when I say I have, “health problems.”  However, as soon as I mention mental health, their reactions turn from friendly to uncomfortable.  A few people are brazen enough to ask what meds I take, some people tell me about a weird relative they have with a similar diagnosis, and then there are those who look at me knowingly, and whisper under their breath, that they struggle too.

                So, why is this topic as controversial as the others that I cover on The Ladybug, namely religion and politics?  Let’s dive in!  One observation that I have made throughout my journey is that mental health conditions scare people.  Behaviors seem threatening, and they can be dangerous.  Suicide is a leading cause of death in the USA.  Every life lost to suicide is a tragedy.  My own attempts were stopped by loving parents, and I was blessed to receive the treatment that I needed.  Others are less fortunate.  In addition, hospitals for the mentally ill are intimidating.  The experience of a locked ward is one that is unforgettable.  The staff are not always there for the right reasons.  Medications for mental illnesses have difficult side effects that can cause physical changes.  Personally, I struggle with a tremor that is obvious and makes everyone assume I am nervous.  These are some of the more obvious reasons why mental health is a difficult subject.

                But, what is the consequence of the label, “Mentally Ill.” Or, “Bipolar.”  How does it feel to be a professional patient?  Isn’t that the consequence of receiving the diagnosis and being told one is disabled?  I have not been able to maintain employment due to my mental illness, therefore living on disability payments and scratching by financially.  How do you think that makes me feel?  We all know that the Republicans in congress do not look favorably on people like me, living on handouts and charity.  So, how can I respect myself?  See myself favorably?  Feel my own self-worth?  The answer is:  I know that I am so much more than my diagnosis.  My diagnosis is not who I am.  My name is Gaelle, my name is not bipolar.  I have something of value to offer this world simply by being me.  That’s it, nothing more.  I have worth.             

    Honestly, the realization that I am more than my diagnosis was something that took time.  I tried to keep my mental illness a secret.  I feared that people would not see me the way I wanted to be seen if only they knew the truth.  Now, I understand that valuable friends love me for me.  The people who judge me or shade me with stigma are not worth my tears.  I encourage anyone who is feeling ashamed of a diagnosis to step back.  See the information given to you as power in your hands to better understand yourself and aid with treatment and recovery.  There is always hope for a better ending.  We have the control to make positive decisions about our futures.  My personal motto is: Never Give Up!!!  The healing I have experienced over the years is amazing, and it is the reason I was inspired to write such an intimate post.  Mental illness is real, yes, and treatable, and recovery is possible.  Do not let the label define you.  Every human life holds value.  Thank you for reading a little of my story.  If you are someone struggling with mental illness and/or suicidality, please ask for help.  I have included the link below for The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.  Blessings, G.    

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