Dear readers, I am aware that discussing any aspect of body image can be potentially triggering, especially to those individuals diagnosed with eating disorders. I, myself, was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa at age 20, after starting to display symptoms in my late teen years. Due to my own experiences, I will endeavor to make this article sensitive to those who struggle. However, I want everyone to honor their own boundaries with the topic. With that spirit in mind, let us start to talk…
One of the most freeing phrases that I ever heard during my eating disorder recovery journey was: your body is not a project. I have always felt a great deal of pressure my whole life to micro-manage my appearance, especially my weight. I used to wear heavy make-up, dye my hair, follow all the latest fashions of dress, and starve my body. In the USA, women who identify as cis-gender females are placed under a huge amount of pressure to groom ourselves into oblivion, even to go so far as to consume diet pills and under-go plastic surgery. There is an expected, and, frankly, un-achievable, ideal “look” that we must work towards. Lots of money is poured into this industry of beauty and the pursuit of feminine perfection.
Well, now I am saying to it all: F*#ck You!! My body is not a project. I look the way I look, and as long as I am healthy, then I am satisfied with my appearance. In my current world, after being severely ill for 6 and a half months, being healthy and strong in my body image is way more important to me than being glamorous.
In addition, I have had a shift over the last few months as to how I identify in my beauty image. I would now say that I am more of an androgenous female than a typical cis-gendered female. Some days I am glammed up and girly, while other days I feel comfortable in flannel, jeans, and winter boots. The identity of androgyny allows for this flexibility, being somewhere in the middle, neither feminine nor masculine. My studies at university allowed me to gain more exposure to the differing worlds of gender identity, and, after writing a paper on androgyny, I felt so much more connected to my true self.
I’m beginning to wonder why I have been spending the last 20 or so years trying to be thin and cute. Why have I cared what society thought of me? The dream of being the perfect model from the pages of a women’s magazine or following the latest wellness trend has not been making me healthier or more beautiful, it has been killing me. As one of my friends said to me recently regarding the weight-loss drug craze, “It seems to be a sickness in our society that is unique to America.” I am grateful for her honest assessment, and I could not agree more. American wellness culture, and the corresponding products and medications that feed the system with millions of dollars, just harm the very humans they claim to be aiding.
So, I am choosing to be free from the trap of twisting myself up-side down to meet the societal beauty standards. I encourage you to free yourself as well! Wherever you are on the body-image road, whether you are struggling with disordered eating, or you are struggling with the pursuit of the wellness community, coined often as orthorexia, I invite you to take a moment to pause. Think about what your goals are with your appearance and resulting health. Are you simply chasing an impossible beauty standard? Or are you investing heavily in a financial way to bring about a drastic figure change? The only investment that I now believe is honestly worth it, and will bring about the most joy, is the time and energy to be healthy, happy, and authentically YOU!! There is no reason to conform to any other standard or request from an industry that will not pay you back.
These revelations have taken me years to reach! From wandering hospital hallways with a feeding tube up my nose to over-exercising, to starving and to binging, I have finally arrived at a moment of peace. Just be where your body desires and forget what America might think. You will be surprised how much mental room will be created in your head when you let go, and how much room in your wallet you will discover. Bodies are meant to be all different shapes and sizes. Food is meant to be joyful and shared, bringing friends and family together. Exercise is meant to destress and strengthen, without pushing too far. Try out a few of my radical ideas and see how much tension in your life will lift. I hope my years of pain can be turned into something helpful for others.
To conclude, I would like to provide you with an example from my own life. While I have been ill recently, I was told repeatedly by my doctors to be on bedrest. But I kept pushing to be active and exercise, because I was afraid of gaining too much weight while “lying around being sick.” Finally, I basically collapsed into my own bed and rested for 2 weeks. I purposefully lay around, watched Netflix, and ate high-calorie and high-protein foods to strengthen my body which was hard at work fighting a serious infection. Finally, after 2 weeks in bed, I emerged for a 1-mile walk. Then, I rested. Next, a 2-mile walk. Then, I rested. Testing the waters slowly to see how much exercise I could build up to. I continued to eat whatever I wanted, especially if it was high in calories. None of this was done with losing weight in mind. Rather, I was hoping to gain weight, and re-grow some of my once thick curly hair and beautiful nails.
Take my words to heart, readers, and do not learn the hard way as I have. Listen to your doctors regarding health and rest. Do not put the demands of the un-healthy “wellness” industry first. Get quiet within, listen to what your body needs, and act accordingly. Beauty is fleeting, but longevity and happiness are true goals to live by. With that advice, I wish you blessings and peace in your journeys. Love, G.
The Ladybug 