The Ladybug

Tag: Friendship

  • The Gifts of Friendship: Some Honest Reflections

    Dear readers, writing to you in The Ladybug Blog keeps me honest.  Tonight I would like to share my appreciation for my friends.  And in the name of honesty, I have a confession: I believe that I have been taking my friends for granted.  You see, I have a small group of very close friends.  I have been blessed to have known most of these friends for over a decade, and in some cases more than two decades.  It is interesting, however, how friendships change, shift, and grow as differing phases of adulthood occur.   

    For example, I have moved twice in the last two years, both times to places that were distant from some of my best friends.  And yet, with the gifts of modern technology, I have been able to keep my friendships solid.  That’s not to say that I haven’t lost some connections, and I feel a lot of sadness over friendships lost, but I am by no means alone.  Zooming, texting, Facebook messaging, all of these are ways that I have still “seen” my friends.  In-person gathering has been rarer, but again, it has occurred enough to make me feel supported.  I am truly blessed with the wonderful array of smart, talented, compassionate, loving, and faithful women (and a few men) in my life!  

    Both times that I have moved recently, it was to new towns where I had never visited before.  I found making new connections difficult with the first move.  I am hoping that this second, most recent move will go better as far as finding meaningful companions.  It has been tempting as I sit in my bed alone typing furiously on my keyboard at night to feel lonely and a bit lost in space.  Those are the moments when it is most crucial to recall memories and the recent phone calls or texts from my community of people who love me.  And truly, what more could I ask for?   

    I know that I have hinted at failed romantic relationships in previous blogs, and out of respect for my former partners I will never write a tell-all.  I would simply like to say that being single (yes, now you know I’m single currently!) while being an independent 39-year-old woman living on her own is no easy task.  I am also childfree, as well as fur baby free, at the moment, and so I have no one to snuggle with!  Most people in the USA follow a prescribed pattern of dating, get serious, marriage, house and two cars, fur baby, and finally one to three children, and work or become a housewife.   

    Well, I have taken the road less travelled.  I am selective about romantic partners, and though I believe I have met some truly special people in my life, it has never seemed to work out the right way at the right time.  In addition, I do not want children or stepchildren.  I am a very proud Auntie, and that is the right gift for me!  Do I even want to get married someday at this point?  I do not know, honestly.  So many bad dating experiences have dotted my landscape that I am no longer sure.  After a while, a love for independence and freedom takes over, and I feel that it has become harder for someone to catch me.  And yet, late at night, there is gnawing loneliness again.  

    BUT, that is why my friendships are so important!  Single people, especially women, need their best girlfriends to keep them going through all the triumphs and failures of life!  And I am happy to hear about the lives of my friends; I love to listen to their experiences.  I have friends in all walks of life, age, and life situations.  I believe that the differences between us make our friendships even stronger because I can learn from my girlfriends.  I may never be a mother, but I want to support my friends and their children.  I believe that family is a gift in every form it takes.  I, personally, value my own family deeply.  My parents and I are close, and I endeavor to support them as they change and grow.  I have also learned a great deal from my male friends, that there are decent men in the world, and that some men can be kind and treat women well.  All my friends form a community that is like family.  And I am grateful to God for such a wonderful gift! 

    Readers of The Ladybug, do yourselves a favor and reach out to a friend after reading my post.  Maybe even one that you have not talked to in a while.  All of us feel the human condition of loneliness, and existential angst; it is good to know that our little hearts are not alone.  God blesses us with friends to share life’s burdens and joys with, go ahead and reach out, you will be glad that you did! And if we are, or were, friends or acquaintances of any kind, I want you to know that you are valued and respected; Thank you for being a part of my story!

    Go in Joy, G. 

  • “You Look Great!” Are Appearance-Based Compliments a Problem? 

    Dear readers, can you tell from this photo how I am feeling/doing?  Would you say I look great?  I took this selfie at the park today…but what about my day can you really understand from the look of the photo?  Let’s explore the topic of compliments based on appearance… 

    I do not wish to seem vain when I say that I have received many positive comments about my physical appearance throughout my lifetime.  However, today I want to draw the curtain back and talk honestly about what is often going on under the surface. As I have shared in the past, I struggle with multiple chronic illnesses, both mental and physical.  In addition, recently I have had some acute illnesses distressing me as well.  So, I consider myself a bit of an expert on the problems associated with getting compliments on “looking great,” while feeling like hell on the inside.  Let me give you some examples of what I mean: 

    First, I have struggled since age 18 with a severe eating disorder.  This disorder, which I call ED, has continued for my entire adult life.  It has taken many forms and has been visible with many different disordered eating behaviors.  Therefore, I have never been able to maintain a stable weight.  I am 5’4” tall and have weighed in a range of over a hundred pounds of differences.  I have been a size 0 and a size 20 in pants.  When I was anywhere from a size 0 to a size 12-14, I still received positive compliments, although I found that the lower the pants size, the more compliments I would acquire.  From size 14-20 in pants, I very rarely received any compliments, and was told constantly that I looked “unhealthy” and had “lost control.”  What I never told the people who felt free to comment either positively or negatively on my pants size, was that I was either starving myself to be thin, or binging to deal with stress, or purging to try to “fix” my weight gain.  In addition, I went through cycles in time when I was over-exercising to control my weight and get positive feedback.  I was punishing my body at the gym, just hoping to accomplish another physical appearance goal.  Finally, I had to stop visiting gyms, as they became unhealthy environments for me.  I understand that this experience of gyms is not true for everyone, just my story’s truth. 

    Second, my chronic mental health issues such as bipolar disorder and PTSD affected my inner world and still do to this day.  I used to wear heavy make-up and heavy perfume and obsess about my fashion choices, all because I did not want anyone to see how depressed I was or how much I was struggling to merely hold it all together emotionally.  I would spend hours on my hair, dying it, growing it long, straightening it with a hot iron, all so that I could look like anyone but my natural self.  The truth was that in my 20’s I went through a mental storm where I hated myself and I could not get stable.  Thankfully, that is no longer the reality of my life.  In my late 30’s now, I live on a much more even street, but I still struggle.  The mental health issues I have are chronic, and so will never go away.  But I do not try to disguise myself anymore with beauty armor.  I wear my hair in its natural curls and color, even letting the grey strands creep in, and I wear minimal makeup and feel comfortable in sweatpants and a tank top.  I do not hide.  I also get a lot less attention from men who want a model for a girlfriend.  In the past, partners I have had have asked me to change my appearance for their preferences. My attitude now is…f*ck em! The right type of partner will find me eventually, and whoever they are, I will require them to not ask me to change my appearance, and simply like me for me. 

    Third, both chronic and acute physical illnesses have plagued me throughout my life.  This may be my biggest annoyance.  I receive a compliment when inwardly I’m dying from my invisible illnesses.  I have what is known in Zebra circles (IYKYK) as the trifecta (hEDS, POTS, and MCAS).  These are: Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardic Syndrome, and Mast Cell Activation Syndrome, Google them for more info!  These are miserable illnesses to live with, and there are few treatments for them.  It is all about “lifestyle management.”  I may look great but feel terrible and barely standing, not an exaggeration as I sometimes now walk with a cane or walker.  I want to make something clear, compliments on my personality or spiritual gifts etc…are welcome. But when my body is aching and I feel physically terrible, and someone assumes that I must be feeling better because I “look great,” that is what upsets me.  Please simply ask if my health is better. Do not make a blanket statement that feels as though it dismisses my physical suffering by making a compliment on my appearance.   

    Finally, you may be thinking that I am a snob for not wanting to accept compliments about my physique.  But that is not the problem.  I respect and honor that people are only trying to be nice and find something positive to say.  I just want, in return, a little more validation for what I struggle with due to my eating disorder, mental illness, and chronic and acute physical illnesses.  It somehow feels dismissive to be told that if I can be beautiful, I have won the battle.  And I am currently battling hard with all 4 of the problems I just named.  If you would like to say something nice, please ask me how I am doing and I am willing to give you an honest answer.  I want friends who will listen to me when I struggle.  I want a romantic partner who sees me and accepts me for me.  I am fortunate to have met some of these types of friends, although I cannot say the same for my romantic history.  But stories of dating and soulmates would have to be its own blog post, and it is one that, currently, I am not willing to make public.   

    I leave you with some thoughts.  Try to come up with compliments for your friends and family that are not appearance-based.  Compliment their incredible kindness, smarts, bravery, or laughter that makes you laugh…be creative and let your loved ones know that you love them for who they truly are.  I, myself, have made appearance comments before as well, and I am pledging right now to reform my ways, won’t you join me?   

    With all respect and love for my readers, G.

    PS!

    If you struggle with an eating disorder, check out MEDA Inc. | Multi-Service Eating Disorders Association

    If you struggle with mental illness, you can always dial 988 for crisis assistance or go to 988 Lifeline – If you need emotional support, reach out to the national mental health hotline: 988.

    Finally, if you struggle with hEDS, check out Support – The Ehlers Danlos Society

    Remember, you are Never alone!!!

  • Unity: Loving the Differences

    I am inspired by Senator Cory Booker’s record-breaking 25-hour senate speech that took place from Monday to Tuesday.  As I tuned in to watch Senator Booker’s impassioned talk, I was struck by his call for unity.  He specifically emphasized that the problems which Americans are facing are, “not right or left, but right or wrong.”  I agree that division in our country is being caused by problems that are a matter of good vs. evil, and are not a matter of Republican vs. Democrat.  In fact, Senator Booker repeatedly spoke about his desire to work in a bipartisan way.  I firmly believe in an America where political leaders can join for the good of the people, the nation, and the Constitution, without letting party loyalty cloud their judgement. 

    The issues I have with the Trump administration are, in fact, issues of morality, and not politics.  Specifically, many of my issues with the current leadership involve my belief that they are acting in a way that expressly goes against the teachings of the Bible.  Jesus in his ministry welcomed the poor, the ostracized, the immigrant, the sick, the widowed, the homeless, the disabled, and the sick.  Donald Trump does not care about anyone in these categories.  All the current president’s policies attack those that the Bible supports.  I call myself a progressive Christian, and as such, I can not support those in power who are attacking all my beliefs.  I must peacefully resist.

    However, this strong opinion of mine raises an interesting dilemma: do I then also not support my friends who are Trump followers?  I indeed have many friends and acquaintances who are much more conservative politically than I am, and I know many voted for Trump in the presidential race in November 2024.  How do I reconcile my moral compass and my values as a progressive Christian with my social circles?  Well, what would Jesus do?  Again, I must turn to the Bible for guidance. 

    A verse from the Bible App caught my eye, “Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.” 1 John 4:11.  I must love those whom God puts in my life.  Jesus’ gospel is about love.  Jesus constantly shared love with everyone He met.  The quote from 1 John is a reminder of God’s desire for Christians to be a loving presence in a broken and fallen world.  Loving others is not easy, especially when there are differences of opinion.  But I am determined to rise to the challenge of loving those I disagree with, because God is calling me to do so. 

    Coming full-circle to Senator Booker’s speech, I want to emphasize that a spirit of unity, and a commitment to love, does not mean that I condone evil.  The Trump administration is enacting some truly evil policies, and I will let my pen and my vote speak for me.  I will follow my values system and my conscience when I make decisions about my life and my actions.  But I must constantly persevere with an attitude of compassion, empathy, and respect for my fellow Americans, despite which political party they belong to. 

    America is being tested.  Can we respond to the threat on our Constitution and our laws?  Can we protect the most vulnerable populations that live in this great country?  Are we truly the land of the free?  We must answer this crossroads moment in history with a resounding cry of unity and love for all, and a defense of all we hold dear for who we are as a nation.  In contrast, an approach of division and hate will only bring about our downfall.  Please join me in advocating for what is just and fair, whether you are on the right or the left side, let us be together on the American side.

    With Justice, G.