The Ladybug

Tag: Faith

  • Strength Inside the Struggle

    Today is a holiday, Valentine’s Day, and many are enjoying dates with their partners and the thrill of a special evening approaching. However, I will be honest that that is not my reality today. Why? Because, I am sick today. My chronic illnesses are in a flare. So, I thought I’d give you a look at what that is like for me, instead of pretending that my life is roses. This entry is not meant as a pity party, merely to give the average healthy person a glimpse into my world.

         I have been diagnosed with what is casually known as “the trifecta.” This includes hEDS (hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome), POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome), and MCAS (Mast Cell Activation Syndrome). I encourage you to Google them, because these are complex chronic illnesses that have no cure, and make the lives of those who suffer from them pretty damn miserable! Basically, I struggle with a multitude of symptoms, including chronic fatigue and chronic pain. I take 20 medications a day in an attempt to manage the symptoms, but nothing is super effective. These medications also include the ones I take for my mental illness diagnoses. However, I have written previously about my chronic mental illness diagnoses, and they are not the topic of this post.

         I began having health problems as a child, and I have always been “sickly.” It has been a long journey of tears, unsuccessful treatments, surgeries, trips to the ER, and doctors telling me that I was crazy before I finally got the correct physical diagnoses. They came from a combination of an Integrative Medicine doctor in Northampton, MA and a few specialists in Boston, MA.  The trip to reach answers was long and difficult.

         Once I was properly diagnosed, I had a lot to process. On the one hand, I was relieved, and on the other hand, I was completely overwhelmed with facing what I now knew would be a lifetime of being sick. In early 2025, I began seeing a health psychologist for a special kind of therapy to help me learn how to live better and cope with the new knowledge. He has been extremely helpful. However, it has also been a challenging process to relearn how to balance my daily activities so as to better preserve my health.

         You see, I have always been an active person. I have always enjoyed setting goals for physical activities and participating in charity walks. As a younger person, I rode horses competitively and did jumping at horse shows, as well as dressage. I once dreamed of being a horse trainer. In addition, I had a passion for running as a young woman and enjoyed lifting weights at the local gym. My attitude was always to push through and keep going.

         BUT, as I have progressed through life, so have my illnesses progressed. All of those activities I loved to do my body can no longer support. Not surprisingly, this has left me with a ton of mental grief to process, and a lot of anger. So, now we come to the reason for the photograph I chose for today’s entry, which is me walking with my cane. Thankfully, I do not need the cane every day yet, but I do need it more and more. In addition, I occasionally have even needed a walker when in a really bad flare of illness. I have just turned 39 years old, and this seems incredibly unfair to me!

         How do I cope? Not great. Honestly, I have to spend a lot of time lying on the couch or bed and simply resting. Netflix and my DVD player have become necessities. I will say it: I hate resting. I crave a busy and productive life, and I wish my body would let me do more. I’m no expert still on living with chronic illness and dealing with the physical and mental pain. I just keep going. I keep putting one foot in front of the other and being grateful for the good days when I get to accomplish something meaningful.

                For example, I transferred to Westfield State University in the Fall 2021 semester, after not doing college course work for 14 years. It has been difficult, but I have now completed 11 courses at WSU with an overall GPA of 3.8. In addition, I enjoy volunteering at my local church. This year there was a high of being a worship leader for the Christmas Eve service. Mission work for the less fortunate in our society is also a passion of mine, and I feel fulfilled when I can help local charities. And, family and friend time is precious to me. I love to be social, even if it means resting afterwards. All of these blessings make my life purposeful. 

        I encourage you to be grateful, just as I try to be grateful, for the wonderful moments in life! We all struggle with something, and the best comeback is to see how God has blessed us. I try to be positive, even when it’s rough, and know that I’m never alone. My family, friends, and Faith guide me through. May my story inspire you to see your own strengths inside the struggle, and NEVER give up!!

         With Resilience, G.

  • Gratitude on my 39th Birthday

    Today is my 39th birthday, and, appropriately, the 30th blog entry of The Ladybug.  Wow, my last year of my 30’s has arrived! I have some reflections.  My first and initial reaction is: how the fuck did time pass so quickly?!  I thought I was just barely learning to be an adult and now I think I am officially a grown-up!  I live independently in my own apartment and manage my own money and drive my own car.  However, that said, I still need a lot of support to cope with this thing called life, as we all do.  It takes a village. None of us can exist alone in a vacuum, especially if you are an extrovert like me.  I am fortunate and blessed to have many good friends and loving family connections.  In addition, I receive excellent professional care for my struggles.  What I want to convey most in this post is how grateful I am for the beautiful life God has granted me!!  

    In honor of the gorgeous sunny fall day that has greeted me on my birthday, I want to share a top 5 gratitude list: 

    1: God is Good!  My faith is the most important thing in my life.  No matter how badly life seems to be going, I know that God will not abandon me.  I firmly believe that God loves me and works all things for my good (Romans 8:28).  I never have to fear, because in the end it will all be okay, and if it is not okay, then it is not the end. God has the ultimate control.  This belief set allows me to face every difficulty in my life, and we all know that life is not always easy.  May you, reader, be blessed, no matter what you are facing.  God is Good. 

    2: Love is a blessing.  While my romantic endeavors have never been super successful, which I do not plan to discuss in this blog, I have never had any lack of love in my life.  Love can come from many different places.  For example, my parents have raised me in a loving and supportive home.  My friends always rally around me when life is hard and make me laugh when life is good.  My extended family is kind and generous.  I could not ask for more love.  It is truly all around me! (Aww, so corny!)  

    3: I have always been blessed to have my basic needs met, including food, clean water, medical care, and shelter.  This is not the case for so many others in our country and across the world.  I know that leaner times are coming due to the direction of our current leadership in America, but I am still grateful.  I feel a deep connection to the homeless and to those in prisons because I have never known that pain.  I have been spared many heartaches.  Everyone suffers in this life; however, the degree of suffering varies.  I’m aware that my trials have been limited.   

    4: I have been exposed to the arts in a meaningful way.  I love watching ballet and listening to all forms of music.  In the past, I have experimented with creating paintings and collages.  Photography has always been a passion of mine, and I still enjoy capturing as many photos as possible.  Singing along to a favorite tune lifts my heart when I feel blue.  Visiting art museums and experiencing the genius of others has been a true gift.  Plays and film are also other art forms that I enjoy.  It is a true luxury to watch many differing movies, TV shows, and live theater performances.  Creativity is a beautiful expression of the human experience. 

    5: Writing.  Whether journaling, blogging, or working on my surprise project, writing feeds my soul in a special way.  In addition, I have been blessed to attend more than one university and to learn to improve my writing.  I dream of one day becoming a successful published author.  Let us not also forget the luxury of being able to read.  Many around the world, and in the USA, are illiterate, even if they do wish to read.  Writing and reading are blessings that I hope to remember to never take for granted.  In this theme, I would like to offer some advice: read a banned book while you still can!  There is an attack on works of quality literature now, and I feel compelled to urge all of my readers to use your minds and rebel!  That is my act of political defiance for the day!  

    As I turn the corner from “young adult” to “middle age,” I feel so much more confident in my own skin.  I know what I want, and I will not tolerate BS from anyone.  I have become a successful self-advocate, which is a crucial skill when one has physical and mental health issues like I experience.  Never be afraid to stand up for yourself!  I still have a way to go with my self-esteem and self-confidence, but both are in much better paces than when I turned 29 years old.  One final piece of advice from me to you: do not be afraid to seek help.  It may mean the difference between misery and survival.  More than that, life should be about thriving, not barely hanging on and surviving.  So, find a way to thrive, even if things feel messy.  Choose one small thing to accomplish and do it well.  Life is precious and fleeting, live it up!  And, of course, my favorite phrase to say, NEVER give up!!  Happy Birthday to me and thank you to all my readers for allowing me into your thoughts.  May you thrive and be happy!  With Peace, G. 

    PS This photo is me at home today, casual and relaxed at 39!

  • When my Spirit is in the Desert

    Confession: I am in a spiritual desert.  Perhaps you can relate.  Does the spirit just not feel quite as alive within you?  Well, that is my experience.  The major cause for me personally is stress!!!  I would love to believe that I am such a great Christian as to not drift away from God during intense periods of stress, but who am I kidding??  When life is hard or unfair, I blame God.  In my anger I step further and further away from Him.  It may be a childish reaction.  It may only make my circumstances more difficult.  And…it may lead to the desert.  Then I am alone and struggling. 

                So, what is the easy solution?  There is none!  But opening my eyes and looking around at my desert surroundings is the first step.  I must realize that my toes are sinking in the sand.  The desert is vast and mysterious.  The first step is admitting that I’ve wandered there.  If I stay in denial about my spiritual health, then God is unable to heal the relationship with me.  Let me be very clear about one fact: God never steps away from us; we step away from Him.  God always desires a loving and close bond with those He created.  God never causes bad things to happen to His beloved.  Instead, God longs for our relationship with Him to aid us in conquering the stress of a broken world. 

                The next step is sticking true to your personal spiritual rituals Even while you are in the desert.  For example, if you connect with God in nature, then take a walk!  If you connect with God through music, then lift your voice or other instrument!  If you find God in art, then dance or paint!  Never Give Up!  The key to finding your way through the desert spiritually is to keep on trudging under the sun’s hot rays.  Staying true to your passions connects you to the Spirit of Love.  In turn, the Spirit intercedes for you with God, as described in Romans 8:26-27 in the Bible.  I like to paraphrase this Scripture as such: the Spirit is a friend inside your heart that can relate to God what your thoughts and yearnings contain, all without words. 

                Ultimately, re-establishing a connection with God is the best tool for surviving the deep desert that we all may experience from time-to-time.  Therefore, a third tip I will share is that trying something new in your spiritual routine or coping skills set is a great way to re-gain that connection.  For example, in March 2024, I began volunteering to be a worship leader and sermon preacher at a local church.  Previously, I mostly volunteered doing mission work, which I loved.  However, I have now found that I have a passion for delivering sermons and organizing prayers.  I feel the Joy of God when I engage in these activities.  I find leading worship to be challenging and exciting as well.  I would not have felt these wonderful feelings if I was afraid to try something new!

                In addition, I want to make space for the fact that sometimes, engaging in new spiritual activities that require a healthy body or mind are not possible.  I, myself, have experienced this reality recently.  I have been struggling physically with a severe tick-borne illness, as well as the mental stress that results.  If you are depressed, or facing any other mental health emergency, please seek professional support. I am blessed to benefit from an excellent support system of professional mental health care.  Also, I would advise some other types of low-key forms of exercise.  Some types I have used include: a stationary-bike, a yoga mat, and 2lbs weights that allow me to “work-out” gently.  Movement can be beneficial for both chronic medical and mental illnesses.  I find that moving my body, even slowly, connects me to God.

                I will close by saying that though the journey is tough, it is worth it!  God is a beautiful constant in a world of chaos.  Draw close to Him, even if you are stressed, and He will respond.  Keep Going on the road of faith!  The desert is cruel and dusty, but even Jesus walked there, and with the aid of His Father in Heaven, Jesus walked out into eternal glory.  He will help you out of desert living as well!    

                In Living Water, G.

    PS: A picture of my time writing to you, Ladybug readers!!!

  • I’m Back! Let’s Talk Honestly About Anxiety and Faith

    I feel anxious.  I have been anxious all day.  Do you ever feel anxious?  It is hard for me to understand my anxiety, and even harder to control it.  I used to apply various substances as balms for my anxious mental health: cigarettes, alcoholic drinks, and benzodiazepine pills.  However, I now keep to a strict sober lifestyle.  So, what to do?  Over the years, psychologists have had me try all the usual “healthy” interventions, such as cognitive behavioral therapy or yoga and meditation.  And, yes, yoga and guided meditation are tools that I use on a regular basis.  However, when the anxiety is high and my system is on alert, these milder aids do nothing for me.   I need to invoke that which is higher.

                Prayer.  Praying is the ultimate soothing release for my anxious tendencies.  These prayers are messy and unfiltered.  They sometimes are not even coherent sentences or words.  God knows exactly what I need before I pray about it, and when I reach towards Him, the relief comes quickly.  It is amazing to me that I worship a God who loves me so much that He accepts all my worries and concerns, whether large or small.  Everything is okay, I can turn it over to the One who is really in charge.  Thank God! 

                Perhaps you find my approach to simple?  Do you doubt that prayers whispered in urgency can really relieve tough anxious pain?  You are not alone, I used to feel that way, too.  My faith as a young adult in my early 20’s was pretty much non-existent.  I was going through a challenging time with my mental wellbeing, and I thought God had abandoned me.  There were many moments when I wanted to give up.  However, through the love of my family and friends, and the support of professionals, I survived.  My faith in God began to resurface, and I started a long journey back to being a believer in Christ.  Many times, my faith has been tested over the years.  There have been scary times with both my physical and mental health.  But God has always saved and protected me.  In gratitude I have turned my life over to Him. 

    For example, my recent long absence from this blog, The Ladybug, was due to a serious physical illness.  I woke up April 20, 2025, Easter Sunday, and was dreadfully sick.  The eventual diagnosis was a tick-borne illness similar to Malaria, and I was placed on lots of medication and rest.  I needed help to do everything, because my abilities with basic living were impacted.  I have taken a long break from posting current photos of myself online, due to the full-body rash that itched and bothered me.  I struggled with a constant fever and abdominal pain on both sides of my chest.  Part of my relapse with anxiety is a consequence of the illness as well, because it attacks the nervous system.  Perhaps the worst symptom has been the fatigue and exhaustion, which I can only compare to how I felt when I had covid-19.  All to say, it would have been so easy to give up on God and just get mad at the situation I was in. 

    But instead, my faith is what got me through, and is continuing to sustain me through, all these recent tough days!  God is Good!  He loves me and longs to be in relationship with me, talking through prayer and devotion.  Again, He surrounded me with loving people, my parents, and doctors, and I was never alone.  Yes, I had moments of self-pity and despair, but overall, my feeling is one of gratitude for God’s great gift of life.  I hope my story can inspire you to try saying a prayer.  Are you anxious?  Are you unhappy?  Going through a struggle?  Pray.  Whisper a few words to the maker of the universe, and wait to hear His whisper back.  We are never alone, and there is no problem in this life that Jesus has not already walked through.  Let go and trust.  Reach out and He will hold you close in return.

    Wishing You Peace, G.

    PS I am still in recovery from the tick-borne illness, but stay tuned to The Ladybug!  New posts will be going up!!  Thank you to my readers!

  • God’s Presence During Hardships

    How does one cope when times are overwhelming?  Recently, I have been feeling stressed for both societal and personal reasons.  The USA is in a difficult spot politically, with a constant stream of bad news.  In my own life, I am facing uncertainties medically, and am in a wait-and-see period.  However, I can honestly say that despite these set-backs, I am feeling grateful and blessed.  You may wonder if I am crazy and how this is possible…well, let me share my secrets.

                My faith in God is the core of my life.  I believe that I am never alone in the struggles I face.  There is a greater force in the universe that guides my path.  As a progressive Christian, this season of lent has been a time to draw closer to God and His promises for my life.  God never promises that life will be easy or pain free.  Instead, He assures us that we never travel this bumpy life alone.  We have a loving companion in Jesus Christ, who comforts our hearts and holds us while we shed tears.  There is a song that was written on the walls of a Nazi concentration camp during World War II by an anonymous author with the words, “I believe in God, even when He is silent.”  The incredible faith of the author amazes me.  During our tough times, God never disappears or walks away from us.  Even when we can not sense Him as strongly, He is right there with His loving arms wrapped around us. 

                You may be asking yourself; how do I connect to God if I can not feel Him?  My first answer is always the same: PRAY!  Prayer is a great communication tool that God has gifted to us.  Your prayer does not have to be perfect, pretty, or even make sense.  Just start talking.  Say what you need.  A simple prayer of HELP is always a good start.  Remember, God already knows what is going on in your life and what your needs are.  He’s waiting to establish a loving dialogue with you.  Another useful way to pray is to have a mantra, a word to repeat until you feel calm, such as “Abba” or “Father” or “Jesus.”  The idea of prayer is to create a bond between you and the spirit of God; therefore, the technicalities and perfections of your words do not matter, only that you try.  God is waiting to hear you!

                Another great way to connect with God and feel God’s peace is to appreciate the beauties of the natural world.  Depending on your circumstances and health, this may look like sitting in your back yard watching the birds, taking a walk in the woods, or even hiking a mountain trail.  I have always found something incredibly soothing about nature and enjoying God’s creation.  Meditation comes easily to me when I am alone with trees and flowers.  The noise of man-made vehicles and busy streets blocks me from relaxation.  However, if I can escape to a small moment of being “one with the universe” through observing nature, I feel I am at home.  Nothing can rattle me as I feel God gently whisper, “If I can care for all of this, how much more do I love you, dear one?”  When you feel like life is just too much to bear, find time to touch your palm to a tree trunk or flower petal, and know how much God loves you.

                Finally, take time to read God’s Word.  We are all very busy in American society, and taking time to read the Bible seems impossible at times.  It may also seem intimidating to read a book like the Bible, with so many stories you may wonder where to start.  I suggest finding a guided devotion that you enjoy to help your journey of the Word.  I use The Upper Room and The Bible App.  (Neither of these are sponsored) They are tools that help me to stay focused during my devotion time.  In addition, I find several of the Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) books and meditation materials to be helpful in creating a spiritual reading program.  AA guidebooks are great if you are unsure of where to begin with the Bible.  Again, the purpose of studying written Word about God is not about trying to achieve perfection.  Rather, the purpose is to connect you with the loving presence of the Spirit, in hopes that your stress and loneliness melts away.  God is here, waiting for you to reach out!

                To return to the stressors I mentioned at the beginning of this post, both national news and personal medical concerns, I find everything easier to handle and digest when I have armed myself with a close and personal relationship with God.  I will say again, my faith is my rock, and it sees me through the difficulties of life.  I urge you to seek out God through the channels I have mentioned, or through your own creative pathways.  Connecting to a higher power is a chance to find freedom from your stress, and to let go of your burdens for a few hours and rest under God’s wings.  You do not have to face challenges by yourself.  There is a strength greater than human strength, and you can tap into that power for peace at any time, all you need do is ask.

                With Love, G.

  • Faith: A Power Higher Than Trump

    Recently, I posted a blog on The Ladybug discussing my blessings during the reign of Trump.  Today, I would like to further expand upon the idea that blessings exist during difficult times, by sharing my personal faith.  The news in the USA has only been getting scarier and scarier.  How do we cope with our fears?  How do we manage the harsh realities that are flooding our lives from the new Trump administration?  I am a person who relies on government agencies and policies that have long been in place.  Now, I feel that I am a sitting duck with a gun pointed at my head, as the democratic government I hold dear tumbles down.  Is there anything I can do?  Of course I can take political action by calling my representatives.  And, I can resist and protest in the streets.  But, what about internal action?  How do I protect my peace?

                The answer for me is: by digging into my faith in God.  I identify as a progressive Christian, and my faith in the love and protection of Jesus has seen me through many dark days in my life.  God is always faithful to me, and my peace of mind is guaranteed when I am faithful to him in return.  In the Bible, Jesus says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world.” This quote is from the Gospel of John 16:33.  Many believe that being a Christian should mean an easy walk through life.  However, God does not promise that we never see troubles, simply that He is with us during every moment of our troubles.  He sees us through the storm.  We live in a fallen world, where heartache and death are realities.  But do not forget, Jesus conquered death by rising on the third day following His crucifixion.  He can help you and I overcome anything! 

                I would like to share a personal story about my life as an example of the healing powers of faith.  I have struggled with alcoholism since I was 20 years old.  I did not get serious about sobriety until I was 31 years old.  I now have 6 and ½ years sober from alcohol.  This journey through my addiction has been marked by tears, danger, and denial.  There were many people in my life that wanted me to stop drinking before I decided to try to sober up.  I hurt those closest to me.  I never would have achieved a sober day without the grace of God.  It takes a village to support the recovery of an addict, and that village must be guided by a higher power.  I decided to get sober after I lived through a near-death experience.  I realized that if I had died, I would have left my life a mess.  I thanked God that I survived, and dedicated myself to sobriety.  The journey has not been easy, and I still take only one day at a time.  I struggle with my addiction every day, and every day God is Good and keeps me sober.  I could have died, but here I am, living still and living clean!

                My hope in sharing my personal story of how faith saved me from alcoholism, is to inspire you to reach out to God no matter what mountain you are facing.  He alone can aid you. His love will comfort you through the rough days of your own journey.  Perhaps you are stressed and frightened by the current political climate.  Perhaps you are financially tapped out.  Maybe, you just lost a loved one and are grieving.  Whatever the circumstance, do not rely on your own strength, but reach towards God and His strength.  We are never alone in our struggles.  You never have to feel alone.  I may be scared by what is coming in the next days and months of the Trump administration, but I know that I will be okay in the end.  If it is not okay, then it is not the end.  How do I know?  Because, I believe in a loving and powerful God who wants to help me and is by my side through thick and thin.  All you need do is ask.  A simple prayer.  “God, help me.”  He will hear you, and He is faithful.  Dig into what is beyond Trump or any of his leaders, the higher power, and rely on God to bring you to better days.

                In Love and Peace, G.