The Ladybug

Tag: Creativity

  • The Rebellion of Rest 

    I struggle with finding balance.  Balance seems to me to be a dirty word that I do not want to think about.  In my life, it is typically all Go Go Go, or Stop and Collapse!  There is no in-between.  Part of this mindset is influenced by my bipolar disorder, where my energies are either manic or depressed.  But even when my mood is peaceful, I still struggle to balance my schedule.  Why is this a problem? Mainly because I hustle due to the messages around me in society.  However, I have chronic physical illnesses as well which prevent success.  I want to be always busy and productive, but my body will not sustain that amount of activity. 

    This morning, during my devotional time with God, I was led to read about the topic of rest.  At first, I felt frustrated by the subject.  Yes, God, I get it…I do not rest enough.  But then I thought about it more.  There are many different types of resting activities.  It does not have to feel boring and pointless.  One can rest by writing thoughts in a journal.  One can rest by taking a nature walk and listening to the sounds of birds and rustling leaves.  One can rest by reading a book and curling up with a warm cup of coffee or tea.  And talking to God by sitting quietly and repeating a gentle mantra in one’s head can be incredibly healing and restful.  There is plenty of room for creativity in thinking of restful activities.   

    I used to believe that I HAD to be productive every minute to earn the right to exist.  If I had no purpose, then I did not deserve to take up space in this world.  But now I think this mindset is harmful.  In western cultures we value busyness over quiet pursuits.  For example, if there is a wait at the doctor’s office, you are expected to pull out your smartphone and start scrolling, instead of closing your eyes and spending a few minutes meditating in the stillness.  I feel particularly judged because I do not have a paying job.  I often get asked the question “Well…what do you do with your time??”  It is assumed I am a menace to society, too lazy to deserve attention.   

    One of the major struggles I had recently was a long illness where I could not do much beyond lying on the couch.  I then recovered for a while, only to relapse again.  My responsibilities were hard to fulfill due to my fatigue, and I began to feel worthless.  Who am I if I cannot do things and accomplish lists of chores and volunteer commitments?  And what about college?  Do I register for more classes or just give up?  My mind began to spin.  This battle was too big to handle on my own.  I had to take it to God.  And the overwhelming answer was REST!  You do not need to feel guilty.  The word “No” is perfectly acceptable.  Accommodation can be made and it is not a problem.  But I still felt guilty.  I was not performing in a society that demands us to all be acting all the time. 

    So, this is my statement of rebellion.  I will no longer listen to the voices in the news and media.  I will instead listen to the guidance of my body and my spirit and my faith.  I am worthy no matter how little or much I do on any given day.  And if the only thing I do is move from the bed to the couch and back again, then that is okay!!  Biblically, I am completely backed up…even God rested during the creation of the earth.  Sunday is our day of rest for a reason.  I challenge you to think about your life and see if you need to grant yourself some time to rest.  Are you pushing too hard because you feel like you have too?  Let Go.  Take some time to be still, however that feels best for you.  Trust me, it will refresh your soul.  When you do go back to being busy, you will have an added spring in your step because you took a pause.  Your life will not fall apart because you stopped rushing for a moment.  Let it go.  Let it be. 

            I know that what I am writing is not popular opinion among busy Americans.  But resting is crucial to both mental and physical success.  The hustle can wait.  Life is truly about that dirty word balance.  Find the way that works best for you and stick with it, even if it feels awkward at first to slow down.  Throughout the Gospels in the Bible, we are told of Jesus going alone to the mountains to pray at differing points of His ministry.  He needed to re-boot with quiet time, and so do you!  So, take the step, and step back, not forward.  Breathe and be quiet.  I promise you will feel better.  This practice has helped me, and I assure you that it will help you.   

    In Rest and Peace, G. 

  • Gratitude on my 39th Birthday

    Today is my 39th birthday, and, appropriately, the 30th blog entry of The Ladybug.  Wow, my last year of my 30’s has arrived! I have some reflections.  My first and initial reaction is: how the fuck did time pass so quickly?!  I thought I was just barely learning to be an adult and now I think I am officially a grown-up!  I live independently in my own apartment and manage my own money and drive my own car.  However, that said, I still need a lot of support to cope with this thing called life, as we all do.  It takes a village. None of us can exist alone in a vacuum, especially if you are an extrovert like me.  I am fortunate and blessed to have many good friends and loving family connections.  In addition, I receive excellent professional care for my struggles.  What I want to convey most in this post is how grateful I am for the beautiful life God has granted me!!  

    In honor of the gorgeous sunny fall day that has greeted me on my birthday, I want to share a top 5 gratitude list: 

    1: God is Good!  My faith is the most important thing in my life.  No matter how badly life seems to be going, I know that God will not abandon me.  I firmly believe that God loves me and works all things for my good (Romans 8:28).  I never have to fear, because in the end it will all be okay, and if it is not okay, then it is not the end. God has the ultimate control.  This belief set allows me to face every difficulty in my life, and we all know that life is not always easy.  May you, reader, be blessed, no matter what you are facing.  God is Good. 

    2: Love is a blessing.  While my romantic endeavors have never been super successful, which I do not plan to discuss in this blog, I have never had any lack of love in my life.  Love can come from many different places.  For example, my parents have raised me in a loving and supportive home.  My friends always rally around me when life is hard and make me laugh when life is good.  My extended family is kind and generous.  I could not ask for more love.  It is truly all around me! (Aww, so corny!)  

    3: I have always been blessed to have my basic needs met, including food, clean water, medical care, and shelter.  This is not the case for so many others in our country and across the world.  I know that leaner times are coming due to the direction of our current leadership in America, but I am still grateful.  I feel a deep connection to the homeless and to those in prisons because I have never known that pain.  I have been spared many heartaches.  Everyone suffers in this life; however, the degree of suffering varies.  I’m aware that my trials have been limited.   

    4: I have been exposed to the arts in a meaningful way.  I love watching ballet and listening to all forms of music.  In the past, I have experimented with creating paintings and collages.  Photography has always been a passion of mine, and I still enjoy capturing as many photos as possible.  Singing along to a favorite tune lifts my heart when I feel blue.  Visiting art museums and experiencing the genius of others has been a true gift.  Plays and film are also other art forms that I enjoy.  It is a true luxury to watch many differing movies, TV shows, and live theater performances.  Creativity is a beautiful expression of the human experience. 

    5: Writing.  Whether journaling, blogging, or working on my surprise project, writing feeds my soul in a special way.  In addition, I have been blessed to attend more than one university and to learn to improve my writing.  I dream of one day becoming a successful published author.  Let us not also forget the luxury of being able to read.  Many around the world, and in the USA, are illiterate, even if they do wish to read.  Writing and reading are blessings that I hope to remember to never take for granted.  In this theme, I would like to offer some advice: read a banned book while you still can!  There is an attack on works of quality literature now, and I feel compelled to urge all of my readers to use your minds and rebel!  That is my act of political defiance for the day!  

    As I turn the corner from “young adult” to “middle age,” I feel so much more confident in my own skin.  I know what I want, and I will not tolerate BS from anyone.  I have become a successful self-advocate, which is a crucial skill when one has physical and mental health issues like I experience.  Never be afraid to stand up for yourself!  I still have a way to go with my self-esteem and self-confidence, but both are in much better paces than when I turned 29 years old.  One final piece of advice from me to you: do not be afraid to seek help.  It may mean the difference between misery and survival.  More than that, life should be about thriving, not barely hanging on and surviving.  So, find a way to thrive, even if things feel messy.  Choose one small thing to accomplish and do it well.  Life is precious and fleeting, live it up!  And, of course, my favorite phrase to say, NEVER give up!!  Happy Birthday to me and thank you to all my readers for allowing me into your thoughts.  May you thrive and be happy!  With Peace, G. 

    PS This photo is me at home today, casual and relaxed at 39!