The Ladybug

Tag: Anti-diet

  • “You Look Great!” Are Appearance-Based Compliments a Problem? 

    Dear readers, can you tell from this photo how I am feeling/doing?  Would you say I look great?  I took this selfie at the park today…but what about my day can you really understand from the look of the photo?  Let’s explore the topic of compliments based on appearance… 

    I do not wish to seem vain when I say that I have received many positive comments about my physical appearance throughout my lifetime.  However, today I want to draw the curtain back and talk honestly about what is often going on under the surface. As I have shared in the past, I struggle with multiple chronic illnesses, both mental and physical.  In addition, recently I have had some acute illnesses distressing me as well.  So, I consider myself a bit of an expert on the problems associated with getting compliments on “looking great,” while feeling like hell on the inside.  Let me give you some examples of what I mean: 

    First, I have struggled since age 18 with a severe eating disorder.  This disorder, which I call ED, has continued for my entire adult life.  It has taken many forms and has been visible with many different disordered eating behaviors.  Therefore, I have never been able to maintain a stable weight.  I am 5’4” tall and have weighed in a range of over a hundred pounds of differences.  I have been a size 0 and a size 20 in pants.  When I was anywhere from a size 0 to a size 12-14, I still received positive compliments, although I found that the lower the pants size, the more compliments I would acquire.  From size 14-20 in pants, I very rarely received any compliments, and was told constantly that I looked “unhealthy” and had “lost control.”  What I never told the people who felt free to comment either positively or negatively on my pants size, was that I was either starving myself to be thin, or binging to deal with stress, or purging to try to “fix” my weight gain.  In addition, I went through cycles in time when I was over-exercising to control my weight and get positive feedback.  I was punishing my body at the gym, just hoping to accomplish another physical appearance goal.  Finally, I had to stop visiting gyms, as they became unhealthy environments for me.  I understand that this experience of gyms is not true for everyone, just my story’s truth. 

    Second, my chronic mental health issues such as bipolar disorder and PTSD affected my inner world and still do to this day.  I used to wear heavy make-up and heavy perfume and obsess about my fashion choices, all because I did not want anyone to see how depressed I was or how much I was struggling to merely hold it all together emotionally.  I would spend hours on my hair, dying it, growing it long, straightening it with a hot iron, all so that I could look like anyone but my natural self.  The truth was that in my 20’s I went through a mental storm where I hated myself and I could not get stable.  Thankfully, that is no longer the reality of my life.  In my late 30’s now, I live on a much more even street, but I still struggle.  The mental health issues I have are chronic, and so will never go away.  But I do not try to disguise myself anymore with beauty armor.  I wear my hair in its natural curls and color, even letting the grey strands creep in, and I wear minimal makeup and feel comfortable in sweatpants and a tank top.  I do not hide.  I also get a lot less attention from men who want a model for a girlfriend.  In the past, partners I have had have asked me to change my appearance for their preferences. My attitude now is…f*ck em! The right type of partner will find me eventually, and whoever they are, I will require them to not ask me to change my appearance, and simply like me for me. 

    Third, both chronic and acute physical illnesses have plagued me throughout my life.  This may be my biggest annoyance.  I receive a compliment when inwardly I’m dying from my invisible illnesses.  I have what is known in Zebra circles (IYKYK) as the trifecta (hEDS, POTS, and MCAS).  These are: Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardic Syndrome, and Mast Cell Activation Syndrome, Google them for more info!  These are miserable illnesses to live with, and there are few treatments for them.  It is all about “lifestyle management.”  I may look great but feel terrible and barely standing, not an exaggeration as I sometimes now walk with a cane or walker.  I want to make something clear, compliments on my personality or spiritual gifts etc…are welcome. But when my body is aching and I feel physically terrible, and someone assumes that I must be feeling better because I “look great,” that is what upsets me.  Please simply ask if my health is better. Do not make a blanket statement that feels as though it dismisses my physical suffering by making a compliment on my appearance.   

    Finally, you may be thinking that I am a snob for not wanting to accept compliments about my physique.  But that is not the problem.  I respect and honor that people are only trying to be nice and find something positive to say.  I just want, in return, a little more validation for what I struggle with due to my eating disorder, mental illness, and chronic and acute physical illnesses.  It somehow feels dismissive to be told that if I can be beautiful, I have won the battle.  And I am currently battling hard with all 4 of the problems I just named.  If you would like to say something nice, please ask me how I am doing and I am willing to give you an honest answer.  I want friends who will listen to me when I struggle.  I want a romantic partner who sees me and accepts me for me.  I am fortunate to have met some of these types of friends, although I cannot say the same for my romantic history.  But stories of dating and soulmates would have to be its own blog post, and it is one that, currently, I am not willing to make public.   

    I leave you with some thoughts.  Try to come up with compliments for your friends and family that are not appearance-based.  Compliment their incredible kindness, smarts, bravery, or laughter that makes you laugh…be creative and let your loved ones know that you love them for who they truly are.  I, myself, have made appearance comments before as well, and I am pledging right now to reform my ways, won’t you join me?   

    With all respect and love for my readers, G.

    PS!

    If you struggle with an eating disorder, check out MEDA Inc. | Multi-Service Eating Disorders Association

    If you struggle with mental illness, you can always dial 988 for crisis assistance or go to 988 Lifeline – If you need emotional support, reach out to the national mental health hotline: 988.

    Finally, if you struggle with hEDS, check out Support – The Ehlers Danlos Society

    Remember, you are Never alone!!!

  • Perfectionism Part 3: Body Image Ideals in America are Harmful 

    Dear readers, I am aware that discussing any aspect of body image can be potentially triggering, especially to those individuals diagnosed with eating disorders.  I, myself, was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa at age 20, after starting to display symptoms in my late teen years.  Due to my own experiences, I will endeavor to make this article sensitive to those who struggle.  However, I want everyone to honor their own boundaries with the topic.  With that spirit in mind, let us start to talk… 

    One of the most freeing phrases that I ever heard during my eating disorder recovery journey was: your body is not a project.  I have always felt a great deal of pressure my whole life to micro-manage my appearance, especially my weight.  I used to wear heavy make-up, dye my hair, follow all the latest fashions of dress, and starve my body.  In the USA, women who identify as cis-gender females are placed under a huge amount of pressure to groom ourselves into oblivion, even to go so far as to consume diet pills and under-go plastic surgery.  There is an expected, and, frankly, un-achievable, ideal “look” that we must work towards.  Lots of money is poured into this industry of beauty and the pursuit of feminine perfection. 

    Well, now I am saying to it all: F*#ck You!!  My body is not a project.  I look the way I look, and as long as I am healthy, then I am satisfied with my appearance.  In my current world, after being severely ill for 6 and a half months, being healthy and strong in my body image is way more important to me than being glamorous.   

    In addition, I have had a shift over the last few months as to how I identify in my beauty image.  I would now say that I am more of an androgenous female than a typical cis-gendered female.  Some days I am glammed up and girly, while other days I feel comfortable in flannel, jeans, and winter boots.  The identity of androgyny allows for this flexibility, being somewhere in the middle, neither feminine nor masculine.  My studies at university allowed me to gain more exposure to the differing worlds of gender identity, and, after writing a paper on androgyny, I felt so much more connected to my true self. 

    I’m beginning to wonder why I have been spending the last 20 or so years trying to be thin and cute.  Why have I cared what society thought of me?  The dream of being the perfect model from the pages of a women’s magazine or following the latest wellness trend has not been making me healthier or more beautiful, it has been killing me.  As one of my friends said to me recently regarding the weight-loss drug craze, “It seems to be a sickness in our society that is unique to America.”  I am grateful for her honest assessment, and I could not agree more.  American wellness culture, and the corresponding products and medications that feed the system with millions of dollars, just harm the very humans they claim to be aiding. 

    So, I am choosing to be free from the trap of twisting myself up-side down to meet the societal beauty standards.  I encourage you to free yourself as well!  Wherever you are on the body-image road, whether you are struggling with disordered eating, or you are struggling with the pursuit of the wellness community, coined often as orthorexia, I invite you to take a moment to pause.  Think about what your goals are with your appearance and resulting health.  Are you simply chasing an impossible beauty standard?  Or are you investing heavily in a financial way to bring about a drastic figure change?  The only investment that I now believe is honestly worth it, and will bring about the most joy, is the time and energy to be healthy, happy, and authentically YOU!!  There is no reason to conform to any other standard or request from an industry that will not pay you back.   

    These revelations have taken me years to reach!  From wandering hospital hallways with a feeding tube up my nose to over-exercising, to starving and to binging, I have finally arrived at a moment of peace.  Just be where your body desires and forget what America might think.  You will be surprised how much mental room will be created in your head when you let go, and how much room in your wallet you will discover.  Bodies are meant to be all different shapes and sizes.  Food is meant to be joyful and shared, bringing friends and family together.  Exercise is meant to destress and strengthen, without pushing too far.  Try out a few of my radical ideas and see how much tension in your life will lift.  I hope my years of pain can be turned into something helpful for others.   

    To conclude, I would like to provide you with an example from my own life.  While I have been ill recently, I was told repeatedly by my doctors to be on bedrest.  But I kept pushing to be active and exercise, because I was afraid of gaining too much weight while “lying around being sick.”  Finally, I basically collapsed into my own bed and rested for 2 weeks.  I purposefully lay around, watched Netflix, and ate high-calorie and high-protein foods to strengthen my body which was hard at work fighting a serious infection.  Finally, after 2 weeks in bed, I emerged for a 1-mile walk.  Then, I rested.  Next, a 2-mile walk.  Then, I rested.  Testing the waters slowly to see how much exercise I could build up to.  I continued to eat whatever I wanted, especially if it was high in calories.  None of this was done with losing weight in mind.  Rather, I was hoping to gain weight, and re-grow some of my once thick curly hair and beautiful nails.   

    Take my words to heart, readers, and do not learn the hard way as I have.  Listen to your doctors regarding health and rest.  Do not put the demands of the un-healthy “wellness” industry first.  Get quiet within, listen to what your body needs, and act accordingly.  Beauty is fleeting, but longevity and happiness are true goals to live by.  With that advice, I wish you blessings and peace in your journeys.  Love, G.